slipping off.

almost there but not quite.

it's like being stuck.
in between living and dying.
i'm clinging on to life, hanging on with a few fingers.
but what if it's not worth the pain, the struggle?
shouldn't i let go?
its excrucuatingly painful.
and it's only gonna get worse.
so what's the point of hanging on anyway?
right now, death seems like an easier bet.
you let go and that pain is gone.

but enough with the metaphor (?)
i think

how many fake smiles or 'I'm fine's are you from that handful of pills?
from taking that one fall that will end it all?
from tying that necklace of rope around your neck?
how much more pain can you endure before you actually put your foot down and say no more?
or basically, how much more before you fall right off?
what good will hanging on do?
NOTHING'S GONNA GET BETTER.
life just spirals. downwards.
and i'm so sick of everything.
so sick of trying to keep trying.
becuase there's no pleasing anybody.
and i've tried so many things to control that pain.
it's not working.
or it stopped working.
it doesn't help at all, either way.

sometimes i just wish someone could listen.
i wish i could have an actual conversation with somebody.
i wish i could sit down and cry for hours on somebody's shoulder.
i wish someone could hug me so i wouldn't feel so alone.

but that's all they'll ever be.
wishes.
wishes.
and more wishes.

maybe i should stop trying so hard and let myself fall off.
because it's so much easier that way.
here's to slipping off.

have a great week ahead.

- Dina x