EUPHORIA: a short story

She was flying again. The adrenaline pumped inside of her, pushing her to go further. The energy coursed from her toes every time her shoe slapped against the asphalt, driving her faster. Her heart was frenzied, trying to keep up with her pace. Her throat begged for water, her lungs burned for oxygen. But she wouldn't stop – not for anything, not for anyone. She was riding on a single belief that if she ran fast enough, no one could touch her.

She lost herself. She couldn't hear the wretched voices in her head, luring her into the shadows to envelope her in the darkness. There were no problems that plundered her mind; she couldn't hear her parents constant arguments, she couldn't feel sad, she had no reason to cry. It was just her and the sound of her heart pounding, her labored panting, shoe hitting concrete. Her legs were burning, her exhaustion was mounting. She was reaching a climax. This was euphoria.

There was no pain. There was no exhaustion. There were no thoughts. There were no emotions. She was flying. She was free. This was euphoria. 

- END - 

just a really random short story hahaha

TTFN 

- Dina x 

being a good person

so there's this saying I know that goes like this, "everyone wants to change the world but no one wants to change." which I guess is pretty much true. it's true for me I would say. I mean I've done a lot of stupid things and things I know I'm bound to regret later on. and I'm not a good person all the time. and you might be thinking ((if anyone reads this)) what is the definition of a good person? what qualifies someone as a good person? what differentiates a good person from say, other people? 

2013 is coming to a close and I've been quite reflective on the year I just had. I've met good friends, I've met people worth keeping, I've met people I've realised I can willingly let go of because they'd do the same with me. highs and lows, we've all had them. and of course there are so many things I would love to change! but I've been thinking lately and I've concluded you can't change other people. you can't change situations. you can't change what has happened in your life. if I wanna be a better person, I have to change. YES I'VE SAID THIS TIME AND TIME AGAIN. but I really wanna change this time. this time I might just give myself a real chance to become a good person. and if I can't do that, I just wanna be a better person than the person I am now. 

I want to be a better daughter. I want to be a better student. I want to be a better athlete. I wanna be a better Muslim. I want to be a better person!!!! and that starts with me. and sure, knowing me and me being true to form or whatever, I'll probably start going off about how I'll never be good enough for anybody and nothing good ever happens in my life and well wallow in self pity for a while. but I found a reason not to be so hard on myself anymore. 

I like how that quote basically says everything happens because of god and if god wills something to happen, it will happen. and certain things aren't meant to be just because god says so. because it probably isn't good for you or He wants to test you – you never really know. it's like saying let go an let god. 

and with so much {possibly} happening next year, so many possibilities for my family and I...this when you turn to god. because 

and "when life pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray." 

TTFN 

- Dina x

troubled souls & circus acts

wow okay a lots been happening you could say

my emotions are literally everywhere 

and like lol because which other loser can't keep their emotions in check :// 

haha but anyway 

have you ever felt haunted by so many different things and you can't ever say it out loud because there is no way in hell you're gonna find the right words to say???

and it sucks that you kinda bottle everything up inside
because who would listen anyway?
i'm scared of feeling
i'm scared of letting what i feel consume me
which happens
more often than not
and there's so many possibilities
and so many things i expect mounting off of this
and more importantly
so much people ask of me
so many expectations
and iT FRIGHTENS ME OKAY
i'm sorry that i'm terribly human
and terribly lost
and utterly confused
and t r o u b l e d
next year is gonna be very busy
things (drastically) changing, possibilities, new fears
something might happen next year
but i can't tell you if its for the better
or for the worst
and then there's school stuff
and softball and studies
and O's
and then balancing everything
what am i?
a circus clown balancing on a tricycle on a tightrope?
circus clown
a freak, miles ahead of who i am
and who i will ever be
because really
WHAT AM I WORTH?
WHAT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR ANYMORE?
WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIVING WHEN I'M MERELY EXISTING?
what is it to hope?
what is it to love?
what is it to feel?
pain is no longer a feeling, it's my friend
it's my company when the shadows come to play
it's the thing that spills from my eyes
in the dark of the night
and the wee hours of the morning?

is this all i'll ever be?
a troubled, lost, carnival act
seeking normalcy
like it's treasure rooted beneath us all

what is love?

- Dina x

confused & lonely

if i died trying, did i try hard enough?

why am i never trying hard enough for anyone?
why can't i be as good as anyone else?
why am i never the person other people want me to be?
why am i still TRYING?
what's the use of trying so hard when everything you do is never gonna be good enough?
i'm so scared because people will leave
and they might
and i'm so scared
i'm so scared because everyone expects me to keep going
and to keep trying
what if there's nothing left to try for?
who am i living for anyway?
and who can i tell who can make it go away
because sometimes an escape would be nice
but i just
i can't keep going
because i get tired too
but most people seem to forget that
most people seem to forget that i'm human too
that i screw up as much as the next person
i screw up as much as anyone else
and i need someone to remind me that it's okay to be human too
it's okay to mess up too

i've never felt so utterly helpless
and so alone

- Dina x

are you there god?

dear god,

it's me. irdina suleiman. human & about 100% flawed, the way everyone is, i guess. i'm awfully terrified. i'm terrified of so many things -- both things i can control and things i can't control. i'm terrified that i can never be a good enough person. i'm awfully scared that i disappoint everyone who has ever trusted me. i'm horrified at the idea that i've messed up so many people's lives and conveniently walked away because that's the only thing i'm good at; running away after i make a big mess out of everything.

i'm not a strong person and sometimes i think i will never be. sometimes i think that i let my weaknesses  swallow me whole. sometimes i think that my fears have me consumed because i feed and nurse the broken parts of me. the parts that fuels the horror, the parts that triggers my panic. the parts that kill me, the parts that loathe myself. dear god, why can't i seem to pull through? what is it with fear anyway? what good would it bring me, or anyone?

where are you god? do you hear me? can you see me? would you help me? because i'm still so many things that would be too much to name. i'm not a saint, and i can never be. but god, they say you forgive those who seek forgiveness.

"And your Lord says, 'Call upon Me; I will respond to you.'" -- Qur'an [40:60]

may god see me through the next week.

have a blessed week ahead, may god be with youuu (:

TTFN

- Dina x

a thousand times over

there are moments when i feel so secure

like when my mom & dad talk 

and have nice proper conversations

that don't involve that dreaded word

when they're the same people they were 

before all of this mess

or little things that my parents do

like calling each other up

and the kinda stuff that's reassuring

it makes me worry a little less

it makes me feel like everything is gonna be fine again

i want to live in that feeling

that feeling of security 

of knowing that you have someone to catch you every time you're about to fall

because sometimes falling is inevitable

and if you don't fall, how you gonna learn to get up?

someone once told me that 

you won't know what it's like 

until you've been through it yourself

like slipping on wet floor

you won't know how it hurts

and more importantly,

you won't know how it doesn't

and while you don't know

you're gonna be afraid

and what's life if you keep being afraid to fall?

but who would want to catch you a thousand times over

who would be willing to stay?

who would be willing to smile at you a thousand times over

and tell you it's okay?

once, twice, three times

that's easy

but a thousand times over 

that takes determination and helluva lot of love

and dedication

and compassion

because a thousand times over

means you're willing to stay

stay.

because i don't know what i'd do if you left.

stay.

because you've become a part of me now.

stay.

because for you, i'd do anything.

a thousand times over.

happy third month, love. 

TTFN

- Dina x

juggling definitions || a quiet painful craving

i craved to be perfect; unflawed, untouched. if i died trying, did i try hard enough? if tears could resurrect, would you want me back? if time could be undone, would you take back what you've done?

what defines a beautiful person?
or screw beautiful
how about what defines plain ol' pretty?
what would make someone pretty?
is it what they wear?
is it how they carry themselves?
is it their appearance?
is it the way they're extremely thin?
or the way they are humanly curvy?
is it the way their personality shines?
or the way they smile?
or they way their presence just has an impact on you?

because i guess being beautiful, pretty
boils down to perspective, i'd reckon
but i don't know let's face it
we all wanna be pretty
or attractive
or beautiful
or gorgeous
or flawless
and we all love to be complimented every once in a while
female or male notwithstanding

~

so many definitions of good
or pretty
or attractive
and it's so hard to juggle all these different definitions
because sometimes you just wanna feel pretty to everyone
and sometimes you wanna be pretty to just one person
and sometimes
you just wanna be good and talented to everyone

i had a pretty messed up training
like i literally couldn't do ANYTHING RIGHT
i couldn't field
nor could i bat
nor could i throw
i don't know but
i guess i messed up pretty bad ):
and i got really mad at myself like
gr dina can't you do anything right
and that kind of anger makes you lose focus
AND YOU JUST END UP LOSING IT
AND AHCKKK
you're a goner

(((i'm sorry about how it does not link but wtvr HAHAHAHA)))

~

i've craved to be a million things
anyone but myself because sometimes
everyone else is really just
w a y b e t t e r t h a n m e
at everything
so
now i have a fitness regime to follow
which insya'allah i'll stick by
veryvery closely
i just want to feel pretty
i don't even want to be pretty to everyone

i just wanna be pretty to me.

TTFN

- Dina x

oh my god, we're not gonna make it || to be flawed

make me a promise here tonight

promises.
why make a promise you can't keep?
why swear to do something
and let someone trust you
when you're just gonna breach that trust?
why bother?
why would you wanna hurt someone like that?
does that please you?
does it make you happy to see someone break down
and feel nothing but absolute crap about themselves?
what do you get out of it?
when you strip someone bare of everything they are;
of everything they thought they were
are you going to be happy as long as i'm not?

then go ahead.

sharpen your teeth and bite as hard as you want

i hope you're happy then
i hope you're happy knowing you're the reason for someone's scars
i hope you're happy knowing that you're the reason someone's starving herself
i hope you're happy knowing someone didn't sleep last night because the demons, the one you planted in her head, scream her every flaw
i hope you're happy knowing she can't find a reason to be happy anymore
i hope you're happy knowing you probably killed that girl

to have the nerve,
the audacity to tell someone to
"get over it"
is just something else all together
it's like pushing someone off a cliff and telling them to stop falling
it's like dangling food in front of a starving child and telling them to stop looking

she's not gonna make it
if you keep doing what you do
if you keep pushing her
shoving her around
and provoking her
none of them are
not that girl you laughed at
not that girl you joked about her weight
not that girl you called ugly
not that girl you called emo

maybe it slipped by you that she's hurt. maybe you forgot she has feelings too. maybe you're forgetting that it she knows her flaws. maybe you don't know how hollow she feels. maybe you don't realise how puffy and red her eyes are when she comes to school every morning. maybe you don't realise how much weight she's suddenly losing. 

NONE OF THESE JUSTIFY ANYTHING

~

this post was kinda sudden
a teensy bit reflective based on...
well, certain people
because everyone deserves to be reminded that they are beautiful.

TTFN

- Dina x

too busy staring at the stars

it sucks to know that you fall short of everyone's expectations all the time
to know that people trusted you to do better
to know that you'll never be what they want you to be
i must be so selfish
because they ask me to do one thing
they trust it of me, expect it of me
if i don't deliver...
then what?
what happens then?
it's happened one too many times
and i'm just here like
"i'm sorry i can't be perfect?"
because i should be sorry
i should feel extremely sorry
because they thought i could do it
and i just blatantly let them down
what sort of person does that make me
and what am i supposed to do about it
because crying doesn't solve much
and i've run out of tears
and i'm so tired of having to be strong for everyone
and having no one to fall back into
it sucks so bad
because i want to be allowed to screw up too
i want to know that it's okay to mess up
maybe i mess up way too much
and people are tired of giving me chances
i don't know
i'm so terribly confused and upset
and the worst part of it all
is that i'm not allowed to tell anyone
bound by secrecy
and so many other factors
i want so desperately to satisfy everyone
but how? how? how? how?

it's like giving away everything you are
what's left for me?
everything that makes, everything i am
has been stripped away
because i've given so many parts of myself away
in hopes of being able to stay w h o l e
but what am i?
what am i to anyone?
there's so many things going on inside my head
and i can't deal with them
i can't deal with any of it
because i'm tired
and so lost
and so confused
and trapped
i haven't felt like this in so long
why why why
when i finally thought i've resurfaced from the water
i'm being dragged down again
i don't wanna feel sad
and i'm so tired of feeling so pathetic
and i'm so done crying
but who would know?
i'm not a strong person
and i've never been
but i have to carry on
because

everyone expects it of me

TTFN

- Dina x

HOME: A Short Story

Author's Note: ((shudup i felt cool putting that HAHA)) so this is a short story i wrote much earlier this year; i had it re-edited and whatnot so whoever sees this, i hope you enjoy this story okay? HAHA PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME AND FEEL FREE TO TELL ME IF IT'S GOOD OR NOT BCUS CRITICISM IS ALWAYS GOOD, NO?

H O M E 

Every box was packed and sealed, every memory carefully stowed away. We were moving -- from the place I've called home all my life, from the place that had been my sanctuary for fourteen years. How could I not be melancholic? How could I not feel what I did? I wasn't only leaving the small, ordinary apartment -- I was leaving my memories, the good things I was sure to forget. I felt like I had left my heart behind as I shut the gate of the apartment for the last time. The despair, the sadness clogged the air and made it hard for me to breathe. People could say I was overreacting, but this place was my everything. The one place I could feel safe, protected and loved. Home is where the heart is, right? But of course with the good things, came the bad things.

I remembered the yelling, the crying, the heartbreak. I remembered things falling apart, when there was no more compromise, no more love. But I remembered the forgiveness, when they found out it was no one's fault that things crashed and burned the way it did. Simply put, it just wasn't meant to be. It wasn't easy for me to accept it  nevertheless -- I blamed them for not trying harder, for not willing for it to work. But I could see Mom was putting more into the relationship than Dad ever did...it just wouldn't work. As I reached the last step, I turned around to glance, to commit to memory those flights of stairs that my feet had grown numb to. My eyes started stinging as the tears gathering burned my eyes, my heart aching and heavy. I was going to miss this place.

But I saw Mom's face and remembered why I was doing this. I remembered her bloodshot, swollen eyes every morning, accompanied by the dark, bruise-like shadows beneath them. I remembered the veil of despondency that hung upon the apartment for days. I would give anything -- even all the memories -- to forget it. My mother meant more to me than an apartment -- or anything -- ever would.

I could make new memories, banish the awful ones and maybe Mom would smile again. Maybe if we moved, the pain would go away. New place, new beginnings. Maybe home isn't just where my things are, or where I slept everyday. As Mom pulled me into her warm, affectionate embrace, I knew I was home. It was gonna be me, and Mom. Two girls, against the odds, against the world. Mom pulled away and smiled. She was welcoming me home, the way she always did. Maybe I hadn't left my heart in that apartment. Maybe I never realised it, but I never left home. But here, I was home, and no matter where we went, if Mom was with  me, I would always be at home.

- END -

TTFN

- Dina x

absolutely vulnerable || the bitterness of adolescence

{again, this is quite personal}

you know it really kinda sucks when you're so vulnerable and naive to your own emotions and you always find yourself in some sort of flurry between your head and heart

and it's always so hard because when you're young

it's always the easier option to follow your heart

because simply put:

you're young, you want things your way. 

you crave certain things.

and you'd rather pick the easier option

~

when you meet someone who is so godly 

so amazing

someone who listens all the time when you speak

and someone who allows you to be yourself

you tend to open up

and trust.

trust in ways you've never trusted before 

and suddenly all that melancholia doesn't matter anymore

but then trust and opening up 

means you're putting your emotions out there

and putting yourself up for hurt

and up for whatever else might come

doesn't that make me vulnerable?

i know i really shouldn't be doing this -

shouldn't be overthinking every single thing

but it's so hard because really

when i think about it

i have so much more worth losing. 

and that scares me

if i lose someone i've gotten so (emotionally) attached to 

what is going to become of me?

what sad, sodden, miserable wreck will i be reduced to?

ah the ramblings of pre-training.

TTFN?

- Dina x

when things get personal || harshly intimate

{this is personal}

i'm really tired

and i'm really not supposed to do it here

but where else am i supposed to say it?

what am i supposed to do when i feel like i'd rather drop dead than find a will to keep moving on because omg i'm so tired 

because either way i'm doing a good job

at like existing

haha well

i'm trying so hard to be my own person

but at the same time i have to be the person other people want me to be 

it's sucha struggle to be two people at the same time

and balance two completely different personalities

it's like having to be the middle person

of two crazy different people

with extreme emotions

and having to balance it out

simply because.

and yeah i'm not gonna lie it's been crazy difficult because both parties mean so much to you and like alters you

be it emotionally and mentally

if anyone's actually reading this

you probably wouldn't understand because this is the messed up train of thoughts

that is me 

haha 

what am i supposed to feel 

and how can you turn off emotions

how do you stop tears

what if the only thing that makes you happy makes everyone else unhappy

whose happiness comes first then?

or am i always gonna be of least of importance

me < everyone else 

i want place for these voices to go to

if not they won't leave me alone

they'll keep me up and remind me

and scream at me 

giving me every reason

to stop finding a reason

it was supposed to be a good day

it was supposed to be special

but the only special thing about today is that i found a precious little piece of metal

that cut deeper

deeper than any emotion 

deeper than any wound

deeper than any tear

it numbed me

i felt good.

i was terrified

i was ashamed

but fleetingly

i was insanely happy.

tales of the intimate.

TTFN

- Dina x

happy days; happy daze

happy twenty-first everyone!
HAHAHA
yay
today was a day of extreme emotions -
at one point i was
so extremely
undeniably
h a p p y
next moment i was in tears
and so so so
heart-wrenchingly
undescribably upset
like the happiness was all a daze
ah well.
happy days
are a happy daze

i love and hate days like this
i hate being sucha fricken
emotional wreck
LIKE UM DINA UR 14 GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF GOOD GOD
i should be able to control my emotions
but i can't
because more often than not,
i find myself keeping so many things inside
because, y'know, there's so much i want to say
so much i want to share
so much i want to let out
but i simply can't
because there'll never be the right words to say
nothing quite makes it sound like what's going on inside my head
and then the noise in my head
just gets l o u d e r 
and i'm screaming
but no one really hears me

GAAAAAHHHH
why am i trying so hard to appear so perfect anyway?
ugh ugh ugh
my train of thought confuses even me
HAHAHAH
is this normal?

i can relate so much to the above picture
so i'm sorry if i push you away
especially if you're khalisah
or danial

i'm just human and i'm trying.
and i'll keep trying

and do remember
"i love you and i am so glad you are here".

here's to a great week ahead

- Dina x

Of new beginnings

so i was thinking a little about this
and it actually got me quite emotional
i mean imagine
if your parents suddenly drop a bomb
and say
"hey we're moving to (insert country here)"
what is one even supposed to feel?
what about all the people you're gonna leave behind
think of the friends you're leaving
your family.
e v e r y t h i n g
everything that you've known all your life
the street that you grew up in
the different parts of this island you know so well
the national day
the patriotism when singaporeans come together and help each other
how are you not gonna miss that?
what if i don't wanna leave?
can i stay?
i'm not ready to give up everything i've known all my life
i'm not ready to start a new
i'm not ready to wake up in a new environment
away from the people i've known all my life
and the people who i haven't
but it feels like forever.
it makes me want to treasure every single minute with everyone
because how many other times like this am i gonna have?
but if you had to...
then i guess.
you gotta go your own way.
OKAY
friendly note:
i'm not implying that i'm moving


anyway
friends.
friends are the same people who cheer you up
make you smile on a bad day
keep you happy (:
but teammates?
that's
f a m i l y 
TEAMMATES are the same people who've seen you, and cried with you and been through the same pains as you when you're at your worst.
the same people who root for you, cheer for you, and are the proudest of you when you're at your best.
i would hate to lose anyone like that.
it's like losing family ):
but here's the magical thing about family love:

no matter the distance, it won't affect your relationship. the miles you put in between each other makes you treasure your family member even more. at least i have you in my life in some way rather than in no way at all.

even if it's with a heavy heart
that i have to bid you farewell
but if it's gonna make you happy
then go for it (:
because it's your happiness that ultimately makes me happy
all the best in whatever you do
you've been our cheerleader when we needed you to be
now we'll be yours (:
so blessed to have met you (':
i teared while writing this HAHAHA

- Dina x

oh sweet, beckoning silence

when it gets dark
and you're all alone
when life gets tough
and you have no one to hold
when you can't sleep
what demons haunt you?
tell me about them;
the monsters
your wasteland
in the sweet silence
what begs you to stay?
come join me in this land

far far away

i wrote this in between studying idk my poetic side shines more especially when I do math idk why its just a thing lol.

happy friday the thirteenth ♡

TTFN

- Dina x

stop dreaming and start running

okay the post title was stolen from Hakim
couldn't help it haha
I really love his url

so anyway
this is a kinda deep
a little heavy going for me
well at least at like
what, 8AM?
so it's about managing stress

so end of years are coming right up
and for me that also means streaming year aka one of the things that determine your future
((haha just keeeeding that's just what I think))
and I'd be lying if I said the pressure isn't killing me yet
like there's so much to study
so much to know
so much information
so much to do
so many expectations to live up to
and honestly it scares me
because what if i don't get into the stream that i want?
what then?

the amount of questions
that fill my head
really really scares me
and if you've read something of my older   blog posts
((pls don't))
you'd know I have a thing for drowning myself in melancholia
so to keep myself away from all of that
I HAVE FOUND A NEW HOBBY

aka running

run till you can't run anymore. then keep running 

it's a quote I firmly believe in
HAHAHA BUT I WENT FOR A RUN YESTERDAY
and I was kinda upset with myself
because I coulda done a 10K
but I stopped at 8.8K
aishhh
BUT I DID MY FASTEST 1K AND 1 MILE ((1.609KM)) YESTERDAY
ACCOMPLISHMENT UNLOCKED
HAHAHA
but I'll keep going
because I have so much in store for myself
and its just generally a much better way to deal with the shit right?
HAHAHAH

oh the ramblings of a sunday morning ♡

TTFN

- Dina x

happy very blessed fourteenth

so this is my fourth post i've written today
BUT THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY SPESHAAAAL
BCUS
IZZAH AQILAH'S BIRTHDAY WOOPZ

okay basically i'll start it off like this:

to my dearest, dearest, godsent of a friend,
to the princess,
to the y to my x ((algebra ref here))
you've been nothing short of a fantabulous friend
and you've honestly deserve nothing short of the world
and maybe
JUST MAYBE
this Mr X character might be worth it
or worthy of youuu (;
any way i didn't know you that well
until like this year?
and we started becoming closer and closer
and BAM
I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOU NOW BABY
and really sayang
i don't know what would happen if i lose you
you've become sucha big part of my life now
if you left, i'd definitely notice
thank you for existing my dear lovely
and i hope you remember
nothing is worth hurting yourself over (:
remember that the next time you feel like crap okay?
because i love you sayang
and i know for a fact
so does khalz, and putz, and angelic faggys
and danny
and of course
the man himself;
HAKIM HISHAM
((did i get his name right?))
HAHAHAHA
oh and thank you
because if i didn't know you
i wouldn't have met danial koh
you're amazing for that heh
((i'm totes keeding i would love you even if you didn't intro me to danny))
anyway i digress :x

you deserve to be treated like a princess on your fourteenth
and you will be
and you will enjoy spending your birthday with me
RAAAAIGHT?? HAHAHA
anyway i reallyreally love and cherish you
a lot more than a blog post can say
a lot more than i can say
like there just ain't enough words for it
i just know i love you so much
and you deserve to have a greatastic
fab, bestest birthday everrrr
and i have a feeling you will

SO HAVE A HAPPY BLESSED FOURTEENTH MY LOVE I CAN'T WAIT TO FAHCKING SEE YOU I'M SO SEXCITED HAHAHAHAHA

I LOVE YOU BBYGURL OKAYOKAYOKAY
YOU BETTER FRIKKEN REMEMBER THAT

i love you
sayaaaang izzah

TTFN

-Dina x

everyone wants to know they're not alone

omg have you realised how many of my blog post titles are actually song references?
hahaha anyway that's not the point
the point is

everyone hates that feeling
when you sit there and think
and come to certain
'realizations'
and you just feel like crying
and crying
and flat-out killing yourself
and then you're swallowed by this
hollow, empty feeling
that makes you feel like
like you're nothing
like you mean nothing to nobody
that overwhelming
harrowing feeling
of thinking
you're unconditionally and forever
alone
deafened by the overwhelming silence

but here's the nice part
you're not
okay everyone's heard it
a ton of times
you're not alone
and that i'm always here with you
and you mean more to me
than anyone else
more than anything else
and you know what
it's scary how you never see the beauty in yourself
when you ruin and destroy yourself
just because you are blinded by your own opinions
you never know how much you mean to me
and you never know how afraid i am to lose you
and i'm sorry that i've never shown that to you
how much you really mean to me
but you wouldn't believe me if i said it anyway
but you're worth so much more than i could ever say
i can't emphasize that enough

you're not only my best friend
but
you're also my sister
my family
and i don't know what i'd do without you
and like sisters ofc we've fallen out
of course
we've had our moments
after all
siblings fight right?
anyway
i digress :x

but nurul khalisah
i hope you got the essence of it
and if you still haven't
i swear i will say it everysingleday of forever
until you believe me
i love you.
more than i could ever love anyone else

and remember
even if you feel like no one's there
know that i am
or god is

TTFN

- Dina x

you don't deserve her

okay this post is dedicated
to two of my reallyreallyreally good friends
this took a great deal of thought
and reflection
so I HOPE Y'ALL APPRECIATE IT

okay so you like this guy
and okay he's decent
i mean he doesn't look awful
quite a charmer
hell,
if i didn't meet danial
i'd have a thing for him
but
he's sucha...
well.
he messes with you
he messes with your heart
he messes with your feelings
((but i'm not saying he's not a good kid))
just that
i don't think ANY girl deserves that
especially not you, izzah
because you deserve so so so much better
than a guy
who plays with you like that
like you're not a toy
and i don't want you putting your feelings out there
and then getting hurt
bcus you know
emotional attachment?
well idk
at the same time i really want you to be happy.
and omg this is also a warning to mr x
I SWEAR TO GOD
IF YOU HURT HER
I'M GONNA GRAB MY BAT
AND HIT SOME BALLS
and by that i mean
your balls
i promise you that

okay next one
so you like this guy
a guy who doesn't seem to reciprocate
yeah i've been there
yes i know what it's like
to want someone so so so very bad
someone you can't have
i remember crying night after wretched night
because i wanted him
and he didn't even know i existed
and he kinda knew i liked him?
idk?
but honestly
i think any guy who doesn't give you
the love and attention you deserve
doesn't deserve you
period.
yes you're worthy of so much more than you think
and remember what i said
about after a hurricane comes a rainbow?
well.
you won't agree with me when i say
he's just your hurricane
but it's true
and till your rainbow comes
hang on
and don't worry so much
it's not because you're not good enough
more like he's not worthy of you

to both boys;
you don't deserve her
don't deserve to know how much she thinks about you
how much she adores you
neither of you deserve them.

i got a little bit pissed off writing this
but i'm so glad i finally got it off my chest

maybe i'm hormonal bcus my period is coming idk
but yeah

we accept the love we think we deserve

that quote was quite unnecessary lah but idk
SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME
DAMN ESTROGEN

hahahah

TTFN

- Dina x

beauty needs an animal to breathe

a lot of stuff's happened since i last blogged.

for one, season is over.
like wow.
it actually flew past pretty damn fast
and we came out first runner up
((which honestly is just a nice way of saying second))
lol
we lost to MGS at our finals
hahaha
but it's okay
every defeat can only make you stronger, no?
and there were things we could take away from that game
and i'm not sorry it happened (:
so yeaaaahh
HAHAHA
SOFTBALL'S BEEN GREAT :D

but life in general...not so much
((be prepared here comes the sad part))
((i'm sucha loser lol))
anyway

why do people wake up sad?
why is it that when i woke up this morning
i wished i didn't?
why is it that i can't ever feel pretty?
it took me so long to finally
finally appreciate
myself
whywhywhy is it so easy
to take that away from me?
i hate how i hate myself
but at the same time
i know why i do

i don't mean to be attention seeking
when i say
''oh i'm not pretty''
i'm not looking for compliments
really i'm not
it's what i really feel

like hey i'll never be the kind of beautiful you want me to be
neither will i ever be the type of clean you want me to be
i'll never compare...
to so many other people
and i'm absolutely fking terrified i lose you because of that
and i'll never tell you this
because i now what you'll say

you'll never be as beautiful without me; beauty needs an animal to breathe

idk that felt slightly stupid
but that's essentially what i've been feeling

i don't wanna lose you now; i'm looking right at the other half of me. the vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold.

okay the cheesy song references need to staaaahp now HAHAHA
well oh well
anyway.
here's to every 21st
((i did not just say that omg ahahah))
and lasting long??
HAHAHA O GOOD GOD

here's to a great weekend?

TTFN

- Dina x

EID MUBARAK

so it's EIIIIDDD!!!
aka hari raya but no thas too mainstream hehe. so its the second day of syawal and it's so different celebrating eid here in Australia like it's the SAME but it's naht? HAHAHAH anyway it's been raining quite a bit here but yesterday WE SAW THE SUN ALHAMDULILLAH (: and there was so much food and satay oh lordddyyyy it was so damn fun. so many people came over because cik yati had an open house

Yesterday's ootd 

me checking my face HAHAHAH 

CHAKRA

So all in all yesterday was a pretty fun but i was so shagged by the time it dah habis. and like they wanted to go to someone's HOUSE ((at like ten mind you)) and I was like nuuuuu but of course I did and we stayed till midnight and I was so tired but I stayed up bc cuzzy slumber party HAHAHAH and singstar oops gotta love my cousins ♡ so that's all for now I'd say. I'M ROCKING SNAPBACKS AND BAJU MELAYU YHAO.  #YOLO #LLOT ((inside joke oops HAHAHAH))

TTFN
eid mubarak minal aidin wal faiizin


-DINA x

and we meet in the middle

so idk if today was really a bad day or a good day because like so many things HAPPENED faster than I could wrap my finger around it so like lawl idek man. so LET'S START WITH THE MORNING, YAAAAAS.??


Early Morning of August 5th, 2013 

first thought: SHIT I FELL ASLEEP /texts danial frantically and starts apologizing (lol)/
eats sahur in an absolute daze /is it really monday lawl shit ca lawl/
forgets to bring shoes cap and training stuffz (lol fml why do bad things happen to good people lol)

AND THEN YAY EVERYTHING SUSSED ITSELF OUT


School Part of 5th August, 2013 

CA LAWL just wing it dinz whas the worst that could happen?
and lol at by fantab friends who made malay CA okay HAHAH

Danial
Koh
Sexy
Tak
HAHAHAHAH ((danny if you're reading this, it's just an inside joke hehe))

THEN BOOM sudden realization that I am an awfully awful ugly piece of human being. felt like crap. I wish I was/am pretty ):

but then I think everything took an upward as the day progressed which brings me to the next, AND BEST part of the day

Training Part of 5th August, 2013

overall quite a satisfying day and I've realised it'd all be in my head, the way i perform for game tomorrow or any other day. HAHAHAH.

wish me luck for tomorrow y'all

TTFN

-DINA x

darling, you'll be okay...

okay so I really shouldn't be up this late but I thought I should post since I'm trying to keep this thing as active as I possibly can. it is a diary type thing after all. that people read haha. well, I think.

anyway, today, was a good day, I think. of course there was a time period where I just felt like...general crap but weyheyy everyone has their moments yes? but I did break a few promises as well haha oops sorry :x didn't mean to and I regret it so much. BUT HEY RECOVERY AIN'T EASY??? HAHA.

okay next point - so I've met a new friend. his name is danial and he's been nothing but one of the sweetest, nicest person haha like who else can really handle my emo rants and keep me sane and away from doing the stupidest of things? haha so like thanks so much Danny, if you're reading this, hehe. thanks for helping me through...well, a lot. you've been nothing short of a great friend love you ♡

HAHAHAH so that's a wrap for my 4th August post. may y'all have a lovely week ahead (:

TTFN

-DINA x

oh my, twenty-eight

so happy 3rd August ♡

hehe today was a fairly well spent Saturday, I'd say. Woke up at 0430 to sahur at macs and for some reason I wasn't even sleepy. lawl at me HAHAHAH. then after a sausage egg mcmuffin ((or two hehe)), we went home and after subuh I literally slept till noon. I know. omg. haha. BUT I WENT TO STUDY AFTER SO GUESS WHO HAD A PRODUCTIVE STUDY DAY YEY ♡

and after that I want down to kallang to score an Angels vs Medusa game. OR I TRIED TO SCORE HEHEHE. but that's not the point. guess who I saw at kallang /: 

I honestly didn't know if I shoulda been excited or thrown off or neutral to his presence. But honestly it's hard not to spazz when i see him. after all how do you forget the guy who keeps you counting days? AND I SAW JUAN XUN HAHAHA SUCHA SWEET KIDDO. but meh.

26th May, 6th June and now 3rd August lol. DINA U SAHCK HAHAHA. 

"#28 on the field, #1 in my heart." 

dear god. 

TTFN 

-DINA x

MY FAVORITE SEASON

GUESS WHO'S BACK
and fully recovered, i might add (:

ANYWAY
i redid my entire blog and omg i love it even more now? hahaha and are you not jealous of my blog url and like basically everything i really love this. like all the negative energy feels gone now. and o dam all my softball feels hehehe. ITS SEASON NOW! YAY. we're into round two now! we played against RVHS yesterday and we lost by ONE RUN


do u feel my pain? yes, I think u do. BUT IT'S OKAY SHAKE IT OFF NEXT GAME ONE BY ONE YAY ♡

aside from that I've ALSO met a bunch of new people! credits to Izzah and her CTS competition of course hehe. so I've gotten to know Hanis and Sarah Aqilah and Hakim and Danial and Amirul who are lovely people

TOP: Danial & Me
Middle: Lis, Me and Danial
Bottom: Me and my faggot hahaha ♡

so all in all things have been pretty darn great (;

REASONS WHY SOFTBALL SEASON IS MY FAVORITE SEASON YAY HAHAHA ♡ okay I should be all philosophical and leave this post with a quote:

"If you tell me to relax after I made a bad play, you will get yelled at. I know my capabilities and I know I could do better."

don't you ever stop swinging

TTFN.

thatrightfielderrrr
hehe aka dina

CLEAN. not really.

i swear to god i'm trying
i TRULY am.
but it's impossible.
it's like jumping off a building
and being told not to fall
it's like crawling out of a scorching desert
then see someone holding a pitcher of water
but holding it out of your reach.
that's how painful it is, trying to stop.

you say it's stupid
that it's hurting myself
but why is it that it's okay for you to hurt me
but never okay for me to hurt myself
how does it fucking affect you anyway

sigh
i tried. seriously, i did.

i honestly don't know what the point of this post was.
like, i just need that time of the day
to let the melancholia seep out.

TTFN

- Dina x

there ain't a thing you can do that's gonna ruin my night.

so i did a revamp of my blog.
like url and all.
nothing really terribly major.
but there are changes.
JUST LIKE LIFE ((omg so deep))
but yeah. lots of things have happened.
like literally i don't know where to begin.
but i feel like i've just been dragged
like out of the darkness
and maybe learning to see again.
if you get what i mean.
but this shit honestly is not easy.
but really, WHAT IS EVER EASY?

maybe i'm just blogging this positive shizzle
cos i had quite a good day.
like taking into account it IS monday
and the first day back to school after term one.

i am so disgustingly affected by the smallest thing.
like seriously.
even the most trivial things can like hurt me.
ew that makes me sound like a loser
but THE TRUTH HURTS SOMETIMES
hahaha.

but here's where this positive note ends.
a more negative post after haha.
BUT I'M TRYING NOT TO LET ANYTHING GET TO ME.
but i need to have a little rant.

TTFN

- Dina x

Too Depressed to Function

I don't know why people tell you to plan your future
it's not like anything ever really goes our way anyway.
the only I know to be for sure about life
us that it's full of disappointment.
you hope and want so much of yourself and when things just...
crash and burn and don't go the way they're meant to 
(which honestly is often)
you just feel like a failure.
sigh. just. sigh.

honestly I don't even know what's wrong with me
it's my birthday tomorrow but I'm really not looking forward to it.
it's just like any other Monday
which basically means tomorrow is gonna suck so bad.
more, because it'll be my birthday.
my stupid, fucking birthday.
14 scars for 14 years.
happy birthday to me.

TTFN


-Dina x

exams and missing pieces.

ugh.
SO IT'S THAT TIME OF THE FUCKING YEAR.
week 7 of the schooling world aka exams season.
shit, it's not even an exam
it's what they call a 'Common Test'
whatever.
same shit different name.
it's also the time students stay up into disgusting hours of the night
to study and achieve good enough grades
to please...mostly other people
i seriously don't get it
why is everything here so centered around...
excelling in the academics field?
what are we ever going to do with all this stored up information
that in the end we merely forget
HOW IS ANY OF THIS GONNA CHANGE ANYTHING?
good god.
and my right arm hurts like so fucking bad okay.
and it hurts so much to move it so idk how i'm gonna write
especially for lit sighpies.

hah.
so missing pieces.
how much can you miss someone?
and how quickly can you get over someone
who means something to you?
getting over things, people
that shit isn't easy.
yeah, people say it all the time but when you're actually the one
going through it...
it's completely different
have you ever missed somebody so much?
i'm not even coherent anymore haha.
but i'm also currently watching Romeo & Juliet (the 1968 one)
and Merchant of Venice at pretty much the same time
all this Shakespeare is fucking with my head
but Shakespeare is the true definition of literature
so.
yeah.
this post was pretty pointless.
i just wanted to update my blog.
lolol
okay

TTFN

- Dina x

slooooooooow day

ohmygah why are there so many slow days?
okay it's not that i want time to move faster
(unless it's math or chem or geog or something)
BUT ANYWAY
it's just so draggy and UGH
like please just get me outta here
it's not healthy for someone
to hate something so much, right?

yeah.
i don't like school.
a lot.
hah.
big shocker there, huh?
i've contemplated being homeschooled
but please like anyone would let me.

then i kinda sorta wish
i was raised by Amy Chua
or 'chinese style' so i could be like
somewhere in life at this point of time?
i don't know.
i probably would've done greater things?
achieved things?
been more intellectual?
but it's so hard because EVERYONE'S LIKE THAT HERE
so even if you are a 'tiger parent'
what would make you like a dominant tiger?

i don't know.
just the ramblings of a slow day.
"Life sucks and then you die."
goshhh.

- Dina x

slipping off.

almost there but not quite.

it's like being stuck.
in between living and dying.
i'm clinging on to life, hanging on with a few fingers.
but what if it's not worth the pain, the struggle?
shouldn't i let go?
its excrucuatingly painful.
and it's only gonna get worse.
so what's the point of hanging on anyway?
right now, death seems like an easier bet.
you let go and that pain is gone.

but enough with the metaphor (?)
i think

how many fake smiles or 'I'm fine's are you from that handful of pills?
from taking that one fall that will end it all?
from tying that necklace of rope around your neck?
how much more pain can you endure before you actually put your foot down and say no more?
or basically, how much more before you fall right off?
what good will hanging on do?
NOTHING'S GONNA GET BETTER.
life just spirals. downwards.
and i'm so sick of everything.
so sick of trying to keep trying.
becuase there's no pleasing anybody.
and i've tried so many things to control that pain.
it's not working.
or it stopped working.
it doesn't help at all, either way.

sometimes i just wish someone could listen.
i wish i could have an actual conversation with somebody.
i wish i could sit down and cry for hours on somebody's shoulder.
i wish someone could hug me so i wouldn't feel so alone.

but that's all they'll ever be.
wishes.
wishes.
and more wishes.

maybe i should stop trying so hard and let myself fall off.
because it's so much easier that way.
here's to slipping off.

have a great week ahead.

- Dina x