confused & lonely

if i died trying, did i try hard enough?

why am i never trying hard enough for anyone?
why can't i be as good as anyone else?
why am i never the person other people want me to be?
why am i still TRYING?
what's the use of trying so hard when everything you do is never gonna be good enough?
i'm so scared because people will leave
and they might
and i'm so scared
i'm so scared because everyone expects me to keep going
and to keep trying
what if there's nothing left to try for?
who am i living for anyway?
and who can i tell who can make it go away
because sometimes an escape would be nice
but i just
i can't keep going
because i get tired too
but most people seem to forget that
most people seem to forget that i'm human too
that i screw up as much as the next person
i screw up as much as anyone else
and i need someone to remind me that it's okay to be human too
it's okay to mess up too

i've never felt so utterly helpless
and so alone

- Dina x

are you there god?

dear god,

it's me. irdina suleiman. human & about 100% flawed, the way everyone is, i guess. i'm awfully terrified. i'm terrified of so many things -- both things i can control and things i can't control. i'm terrified that i can never be a good enough person. i'm awfully scared that i disappoint everyone who has ever trusted me. i'm horrified at the idea that i've messed up so many people's lives and conveniently walked away because that's the only thing i'm good at; running away after i make a big mess out of everything.

i'm not a strong person and sometimes i think i will never be. sometimes i think that i let my weaknesses  swallow me whole. sometimes i think that my fears have me consumed because i feed and nurse the broken parts of me. the parts that fuels the horror, the parts that triggers my panic. the parts that kill me, the parts that loathe myself. dear god, why can't i seem to pull through? what is it with fear anyway? what good would it bring me, or anyone?

where are you god? do you hear me? can you see me? would you help me? because i'm still so many things that would be too much to name. i'm not a saint, and i can never be. but god, they say you forgive those who seek forgiveness.

"And your Lord says, 'Call upon Me; I will respond to you.'" -- Qur'an [40:60]

may god see me through the next week.

have a blessed week ahead, may god be with youuu (:

TTFN

- Dina x

a thousand times over

there are moments when i feel so secure

like when my mom & dad talk 

and have nice proper conversations

that don't involve that dreaded word

when they're the same people they were 

before all of this mess

or little things that my parents do

like calling each other up

and the kinda stuff that's reassuring

it makes me worry a little less

it makes me feel like everything is gonna be fine again

i want to live in that feeling

that feeling of security 

of knowing that you have someone to catch you every time you're about to fall

because sometimes falling is inevitable

and if you don't fall, how you gonna learn to get up?

someone once told me that 

you won't know what it's like 

until you've been through it yourself

like slipping on wet floor

you won't know how it hurts

and more importantly,

you won't know how it doesn't

and while you don't know

you're gonna be afraid

and what's life if you keep being afraid to fall?

but who would want to catch you a thousand times over

who would be willing to stay?

who would be willing to smile at you a thousand times over

and tell you it's okay?

once, twice, three times

that's easy

but a thousand times over 

that takes determination and helluva lot of love

and dedication

and compassion

because a thousand times over

means you're willing to stay

stay.

because i don't know what i'd do if you left.

stay.

because you've become a part of me now.

stay.

because for you, i'd do anything.

a thousand times over.

happy third month, love. 

TTFN

- Dina x

juggling definitions || a quiet painful craving

i craved to be perfect; unflawed, untouched. if i died trying, did i try hard enough? if tears could resurrect, would you want me back? if time could be undone, would you take back what you've done?

what defines a beautiful person?
or screw beautiful
how about what defines plain ol' pretty?
what would make someone pretty?
is it what they wear?
is it how they carry themselves?
is it their appearance?
is it the way they're extremely thin?
or the way they are humanly curvy?
is it the way their personality shines?
or the way they smile?
or they way their presence just has an impact on you?

because i guess being beautiful, pretty
boils down to perspective, i'd reckon
but i don't know let's face it
we all wanna be pretty
or attractive
or beautiful
or gorgeous
or flawless
and we all love to be complimented every once in a while
female or male notwithstanding

~

so many definitions of good
or pretty
or attractive
and it's so hard to juggle all these different definitions
because sometimes you just wanna feel pretty to everyone
and sometimes you wanna be pretty to just one person
and sometimes
you just wanna be good and talented to everyone

i had a pretty messed up training
like i literally couldn't do ANYTHING RIGHT
i couldn't field
nor could i bat
nor could i throw
i don't know but
i guess i messed up pretty bad ):
and i got really mad at myself like
gr dina can't you do anything right
and that kind of anger makes you lose focus
AND YOU JUST END UP LOSING IT
AND AHCKKK
you're a goner

(((i'm sorry about how it does not link but wtvr HAHAHAHA)))

~

i've craved to be a million things
anyone but myself because sometimes
everyone else is really just
w a y b e t t e r t h a n m e
at everything
so
now i have a fitness regime to follow
which insya'allah i'll stick by
veryvery closely
i just want to feel pretty
i don't even want to be pretty to everyone

i just wanna be pretty to me.

TTFN

- Dina x

oh my god, we're not gonna make it || to be flawed

make me a promise here tonight

promises.
why make a promise you can't keep?
why swear to do something
and let someone trust you
when you're just gonna breach that trust?
why bother?
why would you wanna hurt someone like that?
does that please you?
does it make you happy to see someone break down
and feel nothing but absolute crap about themselves?
what do you get out of it?
when you strip someone bare of everything they are;
of everything they thought they were
are you going to be happy as long as i'm not?

then go ahead.

sharpen your teeth and bite as hard as you want

i hope you're happy then
i hope you're happy knowing you're the reason for someone's scars
i hope you're happy knowing that you're the reason someone's starving herself
i hope you're happy knowing someone didn't sleep last night because the demons, the one you planted in her head, scream her every flaw
i hope you're happy knowing she can't find a reason to be happy anymore
i hope you're happy knowing you probably killed that girl

to have the nerve,
the audacity to tell someone to
"get over it"
is just something else all together
it's like pushing someone off a cliff and telling them to stop falling
it's like dangling food in front of a starving child and telling them to stop looking

she's not gonna make it
if you keep doing what you do
if you keep pushing her
shoving her around
and provoking her
none of them are
not that girl you laughed at
not that girl you joked about her weight
not that girl you called ugly
not that girl you called emo

maybe it slipped by you that she's hurt. maybe you forgot she has feelings too. maybe you're forgetting that it she knows her flaws. maybe you don't know how hollow she feels. maybe you don't realise how puffy and red her eyes are when she comes to school every morning. maybe you don't realise how much weight she's suddenly losing. 

NONE OF THESE JUSTIFY ANYTHING

~

this post was kinda sudden
a teensy bit reflective based on...
well, certain people
because everyone deserves to be reminded that they are beautiful.

TTFN

- Dina x

too busy staring at the stars

it sucks to know that you fall short of everyone's expectations all the time
to know that people trusted you to do better
to know that you'll never be what they want you to be
i must be so selfish
because they ask me to do one thing
they trust it of me, expect it of me
if i don't deliver...
then what?
what happens then?
it's happened one too many times
and i'm just here like
"i'm sorry i can't be perfect?"
because i should be sorry
i should feel extremely sorry
because they thought i could do it
and i just blatantly let them down
what sort of person does that make me
and what am i supposed to do about it
because crying doesn't solve much
and i've run out of tears
and i'm so tired of having to be strong for everyone
and having no one to fall back into
it sucks so bad
because i want to be allowed to screw up too
i want to know that it's okay to mess up
maybe i mess up way too much
and people are tired of giving me chances
i don't know
i'm so terribly confused and upset
and the worst part of it all
is that i'm not allowed to tell anyone
bound by secrecy
and so many other factors
i want so desperately to satisfy everyone
but how? how? how? how?

it's like giving away everything you are
what's left for me?
everything that makes, everything i am
has been stripped away
because i've given so many parts of myself away
in hopes of being able to stay w h o l e
but what am i?
what am i to anyone?
there's so many things going on inside my head
and i can't deal with them
i can't deal with any of it
because i'm tired
and so lost
and so confused
and trapped
i haven't felt like this in so long
why why why
when i finally thought i've resurfaced from the water
i'm being dragged down again
i don't wanna feel sad
and i'm so tired of feeling so pathetic
and i'm so done crying
but who would know?
i'm not a strong person
and i've never been
but i have to carry on
because

everyone expects it of me

TTFN

- Dina x