SUPER SUPERFICIAL EXPECTATIONS

I thought this would be fun & interesting to do because heyyy I have my hormonal-ish moments too ayy?

list of superficial expectations of my future husband/boyfriend:

1. must be able to hold intelligent conversations

2. appreciate literature

3. dress in really nice clothes (so extremely attractive)

4. BE WILLING TO SPLURGE (on me) HAHA

5. must appreciate poetry

6. read widely and then we can discuss all our favorite books

7. taller than me! (yaaas)

8. workout with me! (how is that not attractive?)

9. have bigger dreams than this planet

10. should know me well enough to know when I need company and when I don't

11. be really Islamic (HAHA I want a guy that guides me to the right path)

12. write poems? haha idk I think that'd be pretty cool

13. nice face would be nice

14. be a beautiful person

15. play a sport (like legitimately)

16. be sincere

this is practically impossible wishes but a girl can dream right? should anyone find this perfect guy pls contact me ya thx vvv much HAHA

(((this kind of superficiality feels good)))

- Dina x

a million tiny kisses

they place soft warm kisses, running up and down your forearm. up and down and up and down and up and down. and they leave their mark when they disappear because you're scared. scarred by the image that you're never gonna be whole without them. scarred because this is the only time you feel something. and you love them. you love it, you love this. you love everything and everyone you're not supposed to be. because you're supposed to be beautiful and you're supposed to be stronger than this. but like how alcohol is a dizzying intoxicating relief for an alcoholic, you are my salvation. I am willing to be your colorful exhibition and you can be my paintbrush. I will laugh quiet empty laughs that merge into sobs for you and I can empty myself for you. and I will break myself, falling and hurtling into an abyss I know no end to. and I will break. and I will shatter. and I will be half, a quarter, nothing of what I used to be. I am yours now. I am not me, I am you. I have sold my soul to be yours and you will intoxicate me. you will lay me down and bring relief. you will dance while I bleed, urging me to go on. I was never your master, because you are mine.

so go ahead. silver glint, sharp-edged and all. trail your kisses up my arms, my legs, my thighs. and leave beautiful red trails in your wake. the kisses I never longed for. but hey, any kind of love is better than none at all?

- Dina x

shattered glass

since when did loving everything you are become wrong? why is it that we're labelled egoistic and narcissistic just because we found something of ourselves to love? it's rare, so increibly rare to be properly appreciative of that which we have been blessed with.

why are you snatching that away from me? what have I done that possibly would require you to inflict upon yourself my miseries?  I am me and you are you. and you can't blame yourself for the monster that I am. you can't make me anymore a person by stripping away everything that you are. I will not allow you to be a part of me and to be a part of this unforgiving cycle of falling and trying to get up and falling. you will not be me. you cannot be me. because I need you too much for everything I know you to be to fade away.

yes I'm falling and yes I deserve it and you do not. so why have you shattered when I'm the one falling? if you're already  down there, then who's there left to catch?
so love you. love everything that you are even if no one else does. love that you are free, love that you can feel and love that you can still feel the flutters beneath your chest. I remember how that thrill feels and having it feel like butterflies would explode out of my chest and out of my mouth laced with merriment of song that is your laughter.

don't break. don't break. don't break. not when I'm supposed to catch you. and not when we're supposed to fall together.

- Dina x

goodnight

"I have not broken your heart – you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine."

one step closer; volat

maybe it's something about the way every breath matters when you run. and how you need to keep breathing, else you can't keep going. maybe it's the way you don't have to think about anything besides breathing. and maybe it's knowing every stride brings you closer to the finish line. maybe it's knowing that if you run fast enough, nothing can touch you anymore. because in that moment, nothing matters in the world but you, and your body, and the high that follows.

and then you feel nothing but ecstasy.

this is pretty much the only happiness I know. I think. HAHAH

BUT in all honesty I haven't felt this good I  a while.

if I could I'd spent everyday flying.

- Dina x

igniting flames of scorching sadness

today's lesson learnt:

the only time you're allowed not to be okay with something is when there's nothing you can do about it.

take a breath.

then don't forget to move on.

and cry, but only for a while, only on the inside.

- Dina x

S.W.A.K

this post is addressed to a certain someone (or certain few people). you probably don't know who you are but oh well. here goes nothing.

dear you,

we're in a bit of mess aren't we? and my mom used to tell me that life will sort itself out so I guess this is the waiting bit. and it's hard to figure out what we want when we don't understand who we are. it takes a great deal of courage to make a blind decision. so for that, I salute you. just keep being brave because I know you're capable of it. and I know. I know that it sucks when you keep trying for the wrong people. I know that it sucks to feel so utterly incompetent. and I hate to say this, but that is life. life is trying again and again and again. and being more vulnerable to failure each time. life is falling endlessly and then struggling to get up again. life is trying to breathe underwater. life is struggling to run when you've just learnt to crawl. there is no denying this – life is hard.

but somewhere deep inside the monster I've become, I trust you. I trust that you'll know what to do, and I trust that you're gonna come out of this stronger. and you'll be ok again. even if you're not. you have to learn to be brave again even if you can't. learn to be everything that you're not because that's what everyone expects you to be. but don't try to please everyone. just. be you, be all million kinds of you. and be happy. because I want you to be. and you're beautiful, strong and brave.

you know, you taught me all kinds of important things. but it's beautiful how you taught me that pretty doesn't mean kind. and being strong doesn't mean not feeling. and that crying can only serve to make you weaker or build you tougher. and behind every Barbie doll is a girl struggling with the desire to be perfect to everyone else and perfect to herself.

be happy. even if you're sad, lonely, angry...be happy because it kills me to see you like this.

I wish you knew.

sealed with a kiss

- Dina x

mermaids

and I'm
f                                     g
  a                                n
     l                             i                      
       l                         t                     
         i                     a               
           n                o          
             g            l
                 and f

and I don't really know if I'll be doing this forever. and I don't know what's going to happen. and I don't know much about me as I'd like to so as to figure out what this feeling is. and I'm trying to be as perfect as you want me to be. but somehow I'm never really the person you want me to be. and I don't want to cry anymore. because you are not worth it.

"be brave, tris."
"the first time's always the hardest."   

((insert any other cliched quotes you know here haah))

- Dina x

یادگیری به نفس

again. again. again. I'm trying to be me again. if you think for a second that this easy...well. go check yourself. you keep pushing me and pushing me and then don't expect me to fall. I'm hanging. I'm still trying. and for some reason, you will not be satisfied till I fall. please just give me a chance to prove my worth, to show to you that I am worthy of breathing the air that you do.

and then maybe you give me a chance. and then maybe I'm allowed for a breath of air after being held underwater for all of the time I know. this is me learning to breathe again. this me starting over. and this is one of the things I have to do alone. no one's gonna teach me how to breathe. no one's gonna hold my hand and bring me through all of this all over again.

it's time to be brave. it's time to restart. it's time to renew.

let's be happy again. even if you can't.

and crying will be a part of me I never really knew.

and bravery is an essence that will have sought refuge in the dark places within my bones.

and I will be me again.

- Dina x 

questions and counter-thoughts

why would you hide all of what you are in the shadow of the person you used to be?
is it bcause it brings on an agonizing kind of happiness – like bungee jumping off a cliff without a harness?

but who are you to hide?

who are you not to be beautiful?

who are you not to be brave?

and what does it all mean?

and what are these thoughts that I cannot comprehend?

and how much more don't I know?

is it true what they say, about the more you see, the less you know?

what are you stripping me off?

when you step above and beyond me, am I any less a person?

am I as nothing as you say I am?

and when you leave, have I left stitches over your wounds the way you have with mine?

and when you throw knives at the spaces around my heart, do you mean to?

there are so many thoughts that live and so many ideas that I have succumbed to. if my heart is a meadow, you are the desert. dry and coarse and painful.

but somehow still beautiful.

- Dina x 

c'est très magnifique

and if you listen hard enough, you can hear all the things I find beautiful. you can hear the truth behind every lie, you can hear the painful sobs behind every smile and you can hear the wind singing as the birds return home.

it's so difficult to pick up on the delicate. and sometimes, it's an anguish to hear.

but then again, the only thing worse than hearing is not hearing.

- Dina x

faultlines

when there are faultlines and fractures along the surface of the earth, the hot magma from the mantle of the earth forces it's way through the crust of the earth and fills up the cracks on the crust. this can form volcanoes that can cause highly destructive eruptions.

and to think I used to hate geography. ha ha.

I've had my moments. haven't we all? all the things that break you and always scarring you and scarring you and scarring you. but they don't do any permanent damage, just cause ruptures and cracks. but that's enough, isn't it? it's always that after all damage is done and all your fault lines are highlighted, there will be an undercurrent of anger. like the magma that forces it's way through the crust of the earth, the fury doesn't dissipate until it has been released in a fiery eruption.

then you wait.
till the fire, the demon within you cannot contain itself anymore. and there will be release. destructive, painful, shooting bursts
of
relief.

what is relief if it means hurting everyone around you?

- Dina x

insanity

for a moment i thought i felt brave.
but bravery, insanity...
what's the difference anyway?

be brave
be brave
be brave
be brave
what is bravery anymore?

- Dina x

فرار بزرگ

there's an art to losing yourself

maybe it's because i've never actually been selfless. or particularly kind. and maybe i need a start over. maybe i just need to run away. and just find something beautiful behind all this. sometimes, there are moments where i really just want to drop everything and run. and it's stop mattering where. as long as i can get as far away from here as i can. finally i can fully understand why gale and katniss wanted to get out of their district so bad (i seriously cannot believe i am comparing my life to fictional storybook but whatever every character i read automatically becomes a part of who i am). but i guess i know what it's like to hope. to hope beyond dreams that there is something better behind, after all this mess. all this warring, internal or physical. i guess it's hard to understand why everything tends to complicate itself.

it's like i've learnt not to feel this year and that scares me. what am i now? i can't even cry without my mind cussing at me. every thing i feel is a poisoned dart, shot straight at the spaces away from my heart. painful enough that it makes one crave death, but never granting it. honestly, which one would hurt less - having your heart stabbed, once and it's over, or letting all the pain and hurt and aguish seep out of you by hitting the spaces that guard the heart?

you don't what it's like to want to leave so bad. and to be so close, and then dragged away from it again. you don't what it's like to be damaged to a point where you look unbreakable when in truth, there's just really nothing left for anyone else to break. this hurts to type in more ways than one. when you feel like everything inside is being ripped apart, do you resist the force, or let yourself fall.

run away with me. together, we could plan a great escape. we can run, fly, fast enough that they wouldn't catch us. would could soak up in the atmosphere of sunrise and happiness and hopes and dreams. what other relief do i know?

i'll run away with your footsteps; i'll build a city that dreams for two. and if you lose yourself i will find you.

- Dina x

(PS gonna do some changes to my blog if you've  been here for a long time, you'd know i have my ""phases"")

(PPS the title is in Persian)