fucking flawless life.

we all want one, don't we?
after all flawless = without a flaw
without a flaw = perfect
perfect = nothing gets better than that
if life was flipping perfect
no one would feel pain.
nor misery. nor sadness.
or even the end of poverty.
end of world hunger.
end of famine.
end of all these miserable things that plague our world.

but all these flaws exists because
(no matter how incredibly clichéd and corny this might sound you know it's true)
nobody's perfect.
and when nobody's perfect, mistakes happen.
mistakes which causes flaws.
you following me with this?

basically i'm saying that
you're life is so full of shit all the time.
but it's those flaws that make you perfect.
people point it out all the time, now.
they will make you think the worst of your imperfections.
but in the end
know what?

your flaws, imperfections, are the things that are gonna be remembered, missed and longed for the most, because the imperfections make you...YOU.

moral of the story: don't read too many sappy stories about insecurities and shit. they make you blog things like this. 

at least it's not all melancholic
nice change, huh?

have a good rest of the week.
till thursday.
if i'm still alive.

TTFN.

- Dina x

rhetorical questions and answers no one really wants to hear.

"are you okay?"
"how are you?"
what did you expect to hear, really?
what, would anyone reply anything else?
who'd ever say:
"no i feel like shit right now, and my life is 100 shades of fucked up at the moment."
it's one of those questions where there's really no other answer.
you're practically programmed to say "i'm fine."
know why?
cos that's what everyone wants to hear
or what everyone thinks they should be hearing.
it's just an answer no one really cares enough about to pay attention to. 
it's out of politeness, ease of conversation that they ask such things.

i say i'm fine namely cos
a) i really don't want to talk about it.
b) i don't trust you enough.
c) it's too hard to explain why i feel a shit as i do.

maybe there are people who really are fine.
who knows?
i'm saying this based on...
a hella a lot of experience.

but i do wonder tho...

why ask a question when you already know the answer?

- Dina x

fuck it. fuck it all.

why don't you just kill me now?
why the fuck do you put me through all this?

i'm fucking tired of always having to put up with whatever you want.

why can't you fucking stop and consider what i want?

why is my life always about you?

about what you people want 

i'm so fucking tired of having to live life the way you want me to.

you're supposed to know me better than anyone else for fuck's sake.

i thought you could see through all my 'I'm okay' and fake smiles.

but no.

it's all about YOU and it's always gonna be about you.

i'm sick and tired of it, already.

how much longer can i pretend?

i don't want this anymore.

i want to die. 

seriously.

came so close to being in a car accident.

so close to jumping off the 12th floor.

so close to buying pills.

so close to trying to stab myself.

either that or i wanna try getting high.

i'll get so fucking high i don't even remember myself anymore.

more importantly, i won't even feel so much...

hurt anymore.

everything fucking hurts, alright.

but i'm scared tho.

i'm scared of what might happen.

what about everyone else?

what about the hurt i'd inflict?
i know what that hurt feels like

and for me to have to inflict that on others...

that would be beyond unfair.

but if you do know a place where i can get high/kill myself/rage till 2030...

we should hang out.

have a fabulous week.
mine's gonna suck.

i promise.

- Dina x

hooray for melancholic blog posts.

know what?
i love blogging.
i love having a space to write what i feel.
but then i skim through another person's blog.
and it's all fucking sad and depressing.
then i start to feel sad and depressed.
because i thought i knew this person REAALLY well.
then you discover things that she's been hiding behind all that anger and smiles.
then i feel like a fucking asshole.

like why the fuck didn't i know this before?
why wasn't i helping her?
WAIT it's cos she doesn't trust anyone.
she doesn't say anything.
and i totally get that.
because i hate saying things out loud as well.
i hate telling people things.
so if i know how it feels
WHY CAN'T I HELP HER?
in a weird way
i do love her.
and she's been hurt so many times
I GET why she has trust issues.

so thanks to all her
rather melancholic blog posts
i know what's bothering her.
but what am i supposed to do with it?
i'm only thirteen for fuck's sake.
siiiiigh.
why is life so fucked up sometimes most of the times?

- Dina x

S-U-I-C-I-D-E. does that spell happiness?

i drafted this a really long time ago.
but i didn't want to post it.
anyway its about time i did.

WARNING: don't read this if you are suffering from any form of depression. this might depress you further, and i don't want to be responsible for that, alright?

i can't help it.
sometimes i just feel like shit
and nothing i seem to do is EVER good enough for anyone.
i'm never studying hard enough.
i'm never playing hard enough.
i'm never trying hard enough.
i'm never putting in enough effort.
i'm never committed enough.
i'm never enough.

people always expect something from me.
and i'm tired of getting blamed whenever something goes wrong.
the light aren't on, and it's my fault.
the windows aren't open, and it's my fault.
she's not wearing her socks, and it's my fault.
i could go on and on about this.
but that's gonna take forever.
and i don't have that kinda time.

sometimes i just feel like throwing myself off a building.
or taking a kitchen knife and stabbing myself.
or just jump in front of an oncoming bus or something.
sometimes when i feel like everything is just way too much
i do STUPID THINGS which i regret sooner or later.

i don't want to be that same girl i was.
once upon a time, when i was under pressure
i did everything i could to turn that 
mental and emotional stress/pain into a more 
'manageable' pain.
which means physical pain.
i learnt how stupid that was.
and honestly, self-mutilation don't solve your problems.
it just makes it seem harder to deal with.

but i seriously can't help it sometimes.
and death just seems like the only way out.
so.
S-U-I-C-I-D-E.
did i spell happiness right?

- Dina x

M E R C U R I A L

mercurial is defined as:
3. characterized by rapid and unpredictable changeableness of mood.

i'd say i'm quite mercurial.
i just tend to switch moods really quick.
like today, for example.
i was kinda pissed in the beginning of the day
and acted pretty snappishly.
then for some reason i started being happy.
hell, i even made P A N C A K E S.
and it's not like me to experiment with breakfast.
if you know what i mean.
then i kinda just started to feel annoyed.
i don't know.
blame it on my mercurialness alright?
then i started to get happy, excited.
maybe cos i knew hannah was going to skype me soon or whatever.

then the parentals got back
and i thought my good mood would last.
but no, it didn't.
i got snappish (again believe it or not)
so i just felt like punching everything.
and to top it AAALLLLL off
my phone started being a bitch.
like it won't even fucking turn on
AND I'M FUCKING CHARGING IT.
like what the hell?

okay.
i just wanted to rant i'm totally happy now.
don't be judging.
I'M SUPER MERCURIAL ALRIGHT?
haha.

- Dina x

to talk or not to talk?

so i've been pretty mad at this girl
she kept bitching
about another girl.
and is mad at the other girl
but refuses to ever suss it out with her.
and that made me mad.
because she'e hurting someone i care about.
a lot.
THUS i got mad at her.

then i did this really immature thing.
where i didn't talk to her.
talk about hypocrite of the year?
i tell people to suss out their problems.
by talking it out.
and i don't even listen to my own advice.
stupid, huh?

anyway.
she kinda sorted it out with my friend.
kinda, not really talked it out.
they did it via text (what a puss haha)
now what, though?
now i feel like it's just between me.
and her.
and i seriously don't know if i should talk to her

should i apologize to her?
but what did i do wrong?
should i be apologizing?
or was it totally fair of me to be pissed?
so how am i supposed to strike up a conversation anyway?
not like she's dying to talk to me, anyway.
so if i want to talk to her again, what do i say?
because i still think her as a friend.
and i'm not willing to let that change.

so now what?
should i text her first?
should i wait till tuesday
when i get to see her again?
sighpies.

elizabeth.
siiigh.
wanna help me?
you know, since this IS you it's regarding.

- Dina x

to the end of a very exhausting week

thank god this week is coming to an end.
shittiest week ever
and i wish i was joking.
it's so fucking exhausting.
and not only training and that scares me.
there were nice moments.
but you know.
it's just been a rough week.

from training.
to friendship drama.
speaking of which,
i need to sort things out with elizabeth.
i honestly don't know what to do with her situation.
one part of me wants to hate her.
but the other part feels so completely incapable of doing so.
cos no matter what she does or say.
she's my friend.
and i may even love her, but i don't know.
we're not even on speaking terms anymore.
but i can forgive someone who badmouths one of my best friends
and is still not going to sort things out with her?
goshh.
at least i don't have to worry about that
not for another three days, at least.

that don't mean my weekends are not going to suck.
hannah's leaving for london tonight.
SIGHZERZ.
now what?
i still have rupal, yeah, and mariah, and nathania, and izzah
BUT HANNAH D:
it was, from the very beginning, the two of us.
:'(
i might catch her tonight tho.
cos papa is coming back from Jakarta
and we gotta pick him up from the airport.
i might bump into her, if i'm lucky.
and she PROMISED to skype me.
in london, cos she broke her phone when she threw it aha
what a bright girl.

okay, anyway.
enjoy your weekends.
don't stress.
CARPE DIEM.

- Dina x

when no one thinks you're trying hard enough.

i'm tired.

and exhausted.

and frankly...

i just feel like giving up.

not only in everything that i'm involved in

but on life.

i'm awfully sorry i'm not what you wanted me to be.

i'm sorry i'm not intelligent.

i'm sorry that i never seem to be trying hard enough.

i'm sorry i'm wasting everything you've done for me.

i'm sorry i'm never good enough.

for anything. for anyone.

BUT why can't you accept the fact that i'm just not perfect?

sorry, but, i do this thing in life.

where i screw up a little bit.

and i need someone to fall back on.

because i get scared and lonely, doing it alone.

i need someone to rely on.

because i'm fucking tired of having everyone rely on me.

but coach did say something.

and it pulled at some unfamiliar feeling

deeeeeeeep in me.

she said everytime, she feels like giving up.

on us

but then there's her subconscious that tells her.

we CAN do it, and it wouldn't be fair to us

if she called it quits.

but why does no one believe me when i say

I AM TRYING MY HARDEST 

and it's just not hard enough.

i'm sorry about that, too. 

sighh.

i just wanted to get all this out of my system.

i broke down during training today.

but i don't wanna think/talk/write about it.

may the rest of your week be pleasant.

and a hella alot better than mine.

 happy thursday?

- Dina x

today sucks.

it's as the title mentions.
how frustrating.
start from the top, shall we?
okay.

first part of the day was fine.
geography wasn't awful.
well, mr tan passed me (god bless him)
so it's not that bad, i'd reckon.

okay you know what's weird though?
it's barely halfway through the day and i'm so mad at today.
i'm so pissed at everything.
and so sad.
what's wrong with today?
is it just today? :(

then everything came rushing in faster than i needed it to.
shalom. hannah. elizabeth. rupal.
oh my.
i'm exhausted.
and khaslisah, i don't mean to be annoying
but i really don't need this.
evrything is screwed up enough
i really, really don't need this.

and i don't need any shit from elizabeth
i got bigger things to deal with, alright?
and shalom...if you're reading this...
i can't lie and say i know for sure that everything's gonna be okay.
but i know that everything happens for a reason.
and this isn't a lot of help, but, good luck finding that reason. (don't worry hannah didn't say anything she rescpected your privacy)

AND HANNAH&RUPAL
you know i love you guys right?
and i'm here, whenever you need me.
like i said, even the toughest of us fall.
and thanks for being there..
whenever i fell.

anyway.
everything just feels so loud in my head.
and it stings.
i can't say why (world wide web, remember?)
so yeah,
exhale.
so, i got pretty much a lot (not all tho :/ ) of it out of my system.

may your Tuesday be way better.

here's to a better rest of the week...?
god bless.

- Dina x

just not my day...:(

it's only monday and i can't wait to get this week over with.
okay.

so SCENE I of Shitty Monday

i woke up late.
boom.
perfect start to the day, me thinks?
thank god both Sister A and Sister B don't have school.
left the house at 0645.
THANKS MAMA.
so i thought things would turn around.

SCENE II of Shitty Monday

scriptchecking.
void deck.
280 secondary ones.
tkgs is always thinking up some brill plans for us students.
so it wasn't stuffy enough.
and history.
ohmyhistory :(
i wanna cry thinking about flipping history.

but sitting around, chloe r, khalisah and desiree has its advantages...

SCENE III of Shitty Monday

flipping, flipping literature.
70, right on the dot.
but i could've done so much better.
bloody sing to the fucking dawn.
pulled my marks down so much it's depressing. D:
BUT keeping a straight face and screwing on a smile is important.
after all i did advise someone that
your marks don't define who you are.

SCENE V of Shitty Monday

science...
that is REALLY LEGIT depressing :(
i failed.
48%.
chemistry and fucking biology.
i don't even want to talk about it

then it was training
which a never-ending cycle of depression
trauma, sadness, frustration...
and absolute exhaustion
especially today
didn't have my head in the game.
so we all know what that means for me...

may you have a better tuesday.

- Dina x

to the weekends...

i love weekends.
no one fucks up my weekends.
because everyone leaves me alone.
i don't get pissed, cos there's nothing to be pissed at.
but when the weekends come to an end, yeah, i get pretty pissed.

so tomorrow's monday.
i don't sense any good coming out of that.
i don't want to think about tomorrow, but really, i can't help myself.
i  can't help that i worry about tomorrow.
i'm so scared, in fact.

we're getting some results tomorrow.
i don't think anything good is coming out of tomorrow at all.
and it's gonna be a long day.
someone shoot me.
i don't wanna live to see tomorrow.
can i just sit here and rot?
it's much more preferable, for me.
i'm so angsty aha.
sigh.
i just don't want tomorrow to come.

CARPE DIEM.
seize the day.
well not much of the day left seizing, but you get it.
well, there's my hearty advice to...whoever who's reading this.

don't fear tomorrow.
live today.
oh, i am quite the hypocrite.

have a good week.
hopefully.

- Dina x

i don't even know what to feel.

1. Frustration

so i've been feeling pretty frustrated these days.

who am i kidding?

i'm beyond flipping frustrated.

i just can't please anyone.

and it is so frustrating because i've never felt this useless.

it's like nothing goes my way anymore.

and then i cry, which brings me to my next part...

2. Sadness

so since nothing goes right

i get sad.

so sad sometimes i wish i could die.

i wish death came easy.

i wish i could fall off a building.

i wish i could break a leg.

or die trying.

i just don't want to live anymore 

it's stupid and pointless

i hate everything.

there's more to be said but i'm gonna stop right here/

3. Fear

i'm scared of what i don't know.

namely, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...

or even the next hour.

i just fear the future

because it's a terrifyingly dark, unknown abyss...

and who is to say what could happen?

and the fact that i don't know what happens.

scares me.

4. Just Plain Exhausted

i don't know i'm just tired.

school, home...

nothing is just going right

and i'm tired of trying. 

i'm tired of putting effort into everything

then having it go to waste.

and i can't give up.

i have to keep pushing...

and i just get so tired.

basically i just want to cry.

and let out all this.

because handling all these emotions is pretty...

i don't know.

after all this is my 'happy place'.

i pray tomorrow will be a better day.

- Dina x

look on the bright side, yeah?

if something starts out bad

it's bound to change into good, right?

so say i started with a shitty day

it's gonna turn good right?

i don't know what's up with my mom.

she's just so...

mercurial.frustrating.annoying.

ugh.

she's just so ugh.

she's always guilt tripping me.

like what?

and sometimes the only reason she's nice to me is cos she wants something from me.

ugh.

this is a perfect follow-up from last night.

looking at the bright side...

correction: looking for the bright side.

why is nothing going right anymore?

where's the light among the dark?

and how the fuck can i find a bright side when everything is so...dark?

i just tainted my happy place with sadness, and ripped the canvas.

so now what?

take a deep breath and carry on?

i wish someone could tell me how to live my life because i'm not good with decisions and i'm so used to having people tell me what to do.

do you know how strange and absurdly horrifying it is to try to think on my own?

people always tell me what to do.

ugh.

there's actually no point to this blog post i just wanted to let off some steam.

anyway, i have a movie date with my rafflesians.

perhaps this will be the bright side to what seems like an incredibly dark day.

till later, then?

- Dina x

To Rupal...

Dearest Rupal,

so i can't say this on whatsapp
because i'm not good at this stuff.
anyway, that's not the point.

i don't know why i got so mad at you.
i think it was because i was mad that Someone said something and my ego just...
you know.
she might've been upset but i just couldn't accept it from her.
and then you told me i really shouldn't be mad cos she's had a pretty tiresome day and everything is just so shit right now.
i understand that.
alot.
i understand pent-up frustration, don't we all?
but i still got mad, because it's prolly my pent-up frustration.
i had to deal with quite a few things actually over the past few days and training hadn't exactly been a piece of cake either.
so i was mad.
not at you, per se.
at everything really.

so because i had to be mad at someone/something...
you just. you know.
it was kinda the cherry on top of a perfect day, when that happened on the train.
so the dam burst and i just channeled all the different emotions into one.
anger.
but you don't deserve any of that.
i just needed to pour it all out, and i'm sorry it happened on you.
sorry, if i hurt you, sorry if i came across as bitchy.
i didn't mean to, alright?

and if you're still with me, Rupz (cos i know you're really not into reading)
i just really hope you forgive me, and told me that the way i treated you was unfair.
and that tweet.
you don't have to know which one i'm talking about.
so yes.
i am so absurdly and utterly sorry.

but i do have this theory tho (i'm almost done with this blog post, i swear)
you're usually able to be mad at someone who loves you.
so.
yeah.
you still mean the world and more to me.
please don't hate me.

Yours truly,
Dina
xoxoxo

well let's just say it wasn't perfect...

so everything started out well.

i'm not even joking everything was perfect.

training was...the usual?

what am i supposed to expect?

lol

so yeah.

then class BBQ.

everything started out swell.

food, friends, cameras, what else would i need, right?

then came the anguish

which was an unpleasant, shocking twist.

you know what it feels like, to be ignored and cast away by your friends?

well, it doesn't feel remotely pleasant.

and there's a chapter in my story that i'd really never want to revisit.

so, yeah, i know the feeling.

so if i see my friends subjected to that, i feel so guilty because i'm watching all this happen, yet doing nothing about it, even though i know how much it hurts.

but if your friend constantly pushes away help, then what are you supposed to do?

go down with her because you care, or forget what she says and confront them, because the way she'd treated is so unfair, and she deserves so much better.

i'm probably being really one-sided right now but seriously, that's what it looks like to me too.

khalisah, listen, i know you want to be independent, but even the toughest of us fall and i just want you to know you can count on me to catch you, okay? don't wait to hit the ground, cos it'll be too late then.

okay my next post is gonna be extremely important too. 

especially if you're Rupal.

-  Dina x 

Khalisah, I'm Sorry :(

third post of the day, but i don't care.
i'm sorry.
i'm truly truly sorry.
you have always been there for me when i was sad, upset when i thought i lost my best friend, you had me laughing and smiling.

now i got her back.
i got everything back.
except you.
cos now you're broken, and i feel like i'm on top of the world.
and i'm doing shit about it.
i'm sorry.
sorry, should you feel used, because i know what that feels like and it's not a nice feeling.
i know it hurts but here i am, inflicting the same pain on you.
just please forgive me

and don't say it's okay cos it sure as hell isn't.
it's NOT okay that you're hurting.
so, Nurul Khalisah, please forgive me.
really.
i really am sorry.

- Dina xx

sooo....

it wasn't an awful day.
actually it was an okay day.
spent half the day cleaning, the other half on my computer
well, of the morning.

afternoon was fun.
met hannah's...urh..cousin?
lol, ya know.
he kinda ferried us around and bought us lunch
how nice.
aha.
we went grocery shopping today, me and thaa galz.
was fun.
but they're kinda retarded when it comes to grocery shopping.
no like seriously they don't know how to grocery shop.
aha lol.

class BBQ tomorrow.
but i have training.
fantasticle.
so BBQ after training.
yayzerzz.
okay, that's it then.
till my next post.
TTFN.

- Dina x

find a happy place.

find a happy place.
find a happy place.
i couldn't find one, so i made one.
this is my happy place.
i had a wordpress blog but it's so flipping boring.

anyway my mom gave me that advice.
whenever you're sad, upset, broken...whatever.
find a happy place.
live there for a few seconds.
and let yourself be happy.
after all, how can you live today if you're fearing tomorrow, right?

know what tho?
it's so easy to give others advice, but so difficult to follow it yourself.
anyway.
that's it for my first blog post.

- Dina x