HOME: A Short Story

Author's Note: ((shudup i felt cool putting that HAHA)) so this is a short story i wrote much earlier this year; i had it re-edited and whatnot so whoever sees this, i hope you enjoy this story okay? HAHA PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME AND FEEL FREE TO TELL ME IF IT'S GOOD OR NOT BCUS CRITICISM IS ALWAYS GOOD, NO?

H O M E 

Every box was packed and sealed, every memory carefully stowed away. We were moving -- from the place I've called home all my life, from the place that had been my sanctuary for fourteen years. How could I not be melancholic? How could I not feel what I did? I wasn't only leaving the small, ordinary apartment -- I was leaving my memories, the good things I was sure to forget. I felt like I had left my heart behind as I shut the gate of the apartment for the last time. The despair, the sadness clogged the air and made it hard for me to breathe. People could say I was overreacting, but this place was my everything. The one place I could feel safe, protected and loved. Home is where the heart is, right? But of course with the good things, came the bad things.

I remembered the yelling, the crying, the heartbreak. I remembered things falling apart, when there was no more compromise, no more love. But I remembered the forgiveness, when they found out it was no one's fault that things crashed and burned the way it did. Simply put, it just wasn't meant to be. It wasn't easy for me to accept it  nevertheless -- I blamed them for not trying harder, for not willing for it to work. But I could see Mom was putting more into the relationship than Dad ever did...it just wouldn't work. As I reached the last step, I turned around to glance, to commit to memory those flights of stairs that my feet had grown numb to. My eyes started stinging as the tears gathering burned my eyes, my heart aching and heavy. I was going to miss this place.

But I saw Mom's face and remembered why I was doing this. I remembered her bloodshot, swollen eyes every morning, accompanied by the dark, bruise-like shadows beneath them. I remembered the veil of despondency that hung upon the apartment for days. I would give anything -- even all the memories -- to forget it. My mother meant more to me than an apartment -- or anything -- ever would.

I could make new memories, banish the awful ones and maybe Mom would smile again. Maybe if we moved, the pain would go away. New place, new beginnings. Maybe home isn't just where my things are, or where I slept everyday. As Mom pulled me into her warm, affectionate embrace, I knew I was home. It was gonna be me, and Mom. Two girls, against the odds, against the world. Mom pulled away and smiled. She was welcoming me home, the way she always did. Maybe I hadn't left my heart in that apartment. Maybe I never realised it, but I never left home. But here, I was home, and no matter where we went, if Mom was with  me, I would always be at home.

- END -

TTFN

- Dina x

absolutely vulnerable || the bitterness of adolescence

{again, this is quite personal}

you know it really kinda sucks when you're so vulnerable and naive to your own emotions and you always find yourself in some sort of flurry between your head and heart

and it's always so hard because when you're young

it's always the easier option to follow your heart

because simply put:

you're young, you want things your way. 

you crave certain things.

and you'd rather pick the easier option

~

when you meet someone who is so godly 

so amazing

someone who listens all the time when you speak

and someone who allows you to be yourself

you tend to open up

and trust.

trust in ways you've never trusted before 

and suddenly all that melancholia doesn't matter anymore

but then trust and opening up 

means you're putting your emotions out there

and putting yourself up for hurt

and up for whatever else might come

doesn't that make me vulnerable?

i know i really shouldn't be doing this -

shouldn't be overthinking every single thing

but it's so hard because really

when i think about it

i have so much more worth losing. 

and that scares me

if i lose someone i've gotten so (emotionally) attached to 

what is going to become of me?

what sad, sodden, miserable wreck will i be reduced to?

ah the ramblings of pre-training.

TTFN?

- Dina x

when things get personal || harshly intimate

{this is personal}

i'm really tired

and i'm really not supposed to do it here

but where else am i supposed to say it?

what am i supposed to do when i feel like i'd rather drop dead than find a will to keep moving on because omg i'm so tired 

because either way i'm doing a good job

at like existing

haha well

i'm trying so hard to be my own person

but at the same time i have to be the person other people want me to be 

it's sucha struggle to be two people at the same time

and balance two completely different personalities

it's like having to be the middle person

of two crazy different people

with extreme emotions

and having to balance it out

simply because.

and yeah i'm not gonna lie it's been crazy difficult because both parties mean so much to you and like alters you

be it emotionally and mentally

if anyone's actually reading this

you probably wouldn't understand because this is the messed up train of thoughts

that is me 

haha 

what am i supposed to feel 

and how can you turn off emotions

how do you stop tears

what if the only thing that makes you happy makes everyone else unhappy

whose happiness comes first then?

or am i always gonna be of least of importance

me < everyone else 

i want place for these voices to go to

if not they won't leave me alone

they'll keep me up and remind me

and scream at me 

giving me every reason

to stop finding a reason

it was supposed to be a good day

it was supposed to be special

but the only special thing about today is that i found a precious little piece of metal

that cut deeper

deeper than any emotion 

deeper than any wound

deeper than any tear

it numbed me

i felt good.

i was terrified

i was ashamed

but fleetingly

i was insanely happy.

tales of the intimate.

TTFN

- Dina x

happy days; happy daze

happy twenty-first everyone!
HAHAHA
yay
today was a day of extreme emotions -
at one point i was
so extremely
undeniably
h a p p y
next moment i was in tears
and so so so
heart-wrenchingly
undescribably upset
like the happiness was all a daze
ah well.
happy days
are a happy daze

i love and hate days like this
i hate being sucha fricken
emotional wreck
LIKE UM DINA UR 14 GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF GOOD GOD
i should be able to control my emotions
but i can't
because more often than not,
i find myself keeping so many things inside
because, y'know, there's so much i want to say
so much i want to share
so much i want to let out
but i simply can't
because there'll never be the right words to say
nothing quite makes it sound like what's going on inside my head
and then the noise in my head
just gets l o u d e r 
and i'm screaming
but no one really hears me

GAAAAAHHHH
why am i trying so hard to appear so perfect anyway?
ugh ugh ugh
my train of thought confuses even me
HAHAHAH
is this normal?

i can relate so much to the above picture
so i'm sorry if i push you away
especially if you're khalisah
or danial

i'm just human and i'm trying.
and i'll keep trying

and do remember
"i love you and i am so glad you are here".

here's to a great week ahead

- Dina x

Of new beginnings

so i was thinking a little about this
and it actually got me quite emotional
i mean imagine
if your parents suddenly drop a bomb
and say
"hey we're moving to (insert country here)"
what is one even supposed to feel?
what about all the people you're gonna leave behind
think of the friends you're leaving
your family.
e v e r y t h i n g
everything that you've known all your life
the street that you grew up in
the different parts of this island you know so well
the national day
the patriotism when singaporeans come together and help each other
how are you not gonna miss that?
what if i don't wanna leave?
can i stay?
i'm not ready to give up everything i've known all my life
i'm not ready to start a new
i'm not ready to wake up in a new environment
away from the people i've known all my life
and the people who i haven't
but it feels like forever.
it makes me want to treasure every single minute with everyone
because how many other times like this am i gonna have?
but if you had to...
then i guess.
you gotta go your own way.
OKAY
friendly note:
i'm not implying that i'm moving


anyway
friends.
friends are the same people who cheer you up
make you smile on a bad day
keep you happy (:
but teammates?
that's
f a m i l y 
TEAMMATES are the same people who've seen you, and cried with you and been through the same pains as you when you're at your worst.
the same people who root for you, cheer for you, and are the proudest of you when you're at your best.
i would hate to lose anyone like that.
it's like losing family ):
but here's the magical thing about family love:

no matter the distance, it won't affect your relationship. the miles you put in between each other makes you treasure your family member even more. at least i have you in my life in some way rather than in no way at all.

even if it's with a heavy heart
that i have to bid you farewell
but if it's gonna make you happy
then go for it (:
because it's your happiness that ultimately makes me happy
all the best in whatever you do
you've been our cheerleader when we needed you to be
now we'll be yours (:
so blessed to have met you (':
i teared while writing this HAHAHA

- Dina x