from me to you;

"all I wanna be, all I ever wanna be is somebody to you; everybody's tryna be a billionaire, but everytime I look at you, I just don't care."

yes, I quoted The Vamps HAHAHAH but anyway I had a heart-to-heart with someone on my personal A-List today and that actually brougt light to plenty of things that were bothering me but I've always tried to conceal beneath the shadows. FIRST and foremost, addressing said person;

dear a,

I don't know if you'll see this but if you do, I just really want to thank you because you make me feel like it's okay to talk about what I'm feeling. I feel like I might run out of ways to thank you but there's always more to thank you for. its always great to sit down with you face to face to have a proper talk, where we are not masked by our mastery of this language and our problems sound less eloquent then we make them out to be. theres always a crushing relief after I talk to you and I feel like I relate to you on a personal level. thank you. I don't know how else to say this, but thank you. you are deserving of all kinds of happiness. fav, and you'll always be my fav

dina x

so this is the part where several parties came in and for my own simplicity, I will address it to 'you', although the people I talk about won't ever see this.

dear you,

I've known you long enough to understand the complications that plague you are beneath words. and I know when you're mad and when you've maxed out and you kinda just need a little assurance. I know you (all of you) and I've held you close enough that I thought you've been engraved into the hollow spaces of my bones and carved into my deepest memory. but somehow, you slip away. you pull away, like being jolted awake and I can't find you anymore. and every part of me aches to find the open door where you let me in the first time but I can't find you anymore. you're a sealed door in the alleyway I've paced OVER and OVER and OVER. you're a weapon and you haven't even shot me yet but there are wounds where I let your broken promises spear through me. ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS SOMEBODY TO YOU. but lately, I'd settle for kissing the dust motes that shiver in your presence. HOW DOES EMPTINESS FEEL SO HEAVY?

- dina xx

here are the things I'll never get back

your eyes are lifeless but burn probing questions, searing the memory of pain deep within this soulless vessel. and I can only wonder which is easier; to hurt or to keep breathing? because from the moment your smile said everything you wouldn't, I emptied my being to make room for yours. I choked on every word you fed me like I was a baby bird, and you were the only way I could feel full again. I left your initials in scars across my skin, hoping you would fade away as they did. but scars don't fade. they remain etched upon my skin, a secret reminder that I screwed up. a tattoo in verses of the chapter I never got to end, I will be haunted. because like scars, these memories don't seem to fade. and bravery is something you have taken from me and sealed up inside of plenty of thoughts you have decided to burn.

here are the things I will never get back:
1. the very essence of being, a light to find the reason you certainly hid in the obscurity of my blindness
2.  a home to harbour thoughts and a space to call my own because I cannot empty the weight of these contents into an empty nest.
3. me.

- dina xx