antithesis

"love is the antithesis of selfishness"

i wonder if i'm loving you the way you deserve. i don't know how to wrap my head around the fact that you love me, that somehow, you saw through all the bad parts of me - even the things that i couldn't overlook. i'm so lucky to be able to breathe around your existence, to melt into your embrace, to hear your mouth caress my name like a prayer. god, i'm so lucky to be able to love you and i wish i knew how to articulate this better. i never saw this coming, to be entirely honest. i didn't think i could love like this again, nor did i ever figure anyone could love me this way. i mean, no one's relationship is perfect, but you sure as hell make this one feel like it is. and when you love someone this hard, you'd become anything that person wants you to be and it stops becoming about you. the brainspace you exist in becomes big enough just for you and him and when it is just the both of you, the world becomes a rumour we become unfazed by. i love you and i know i tell you this everyday, every parting moment, but i hope it doesn't lose any meaning to you, because each time i say it, god knows i mean it.

"and if he ever taste mud as bitter as my poetry, then i win. and you love me. hallelujah."

please don't stop now, i don't want to exist without your love.

-dina xx

stage fright

this is how the cookie crumbles.

I mean, I knew he never needed me the way I did, but the way he left still stung. Stop looking at me like I'm crazy - I'm not I swear I just get nervous. I get nervous, and my nerves feel like they're being attached to live wires. I get nervous and my lungs collapse into themselves and I melt into a being that doesn't know how to exist -- electric sparks making my heart spasm. My hands are shaking but maybe it's because I can't find yours anymore; tell me I'm crazy. Tell me these words make no sense, tell me I matter.

one day i won't and it still wouldn't matter.

dina xx

things I've never told him

my heart is heavy and my chest is burning and maybe you were right about alcohol. it gave me so much courage, it reminded me how to be brave for myself. but you make the pieces of my heart shatter, make the stars stop being a light and start being fire. fire that seems to lick my skin from the inside so I can't scream for help because no one sees it. but you make me happy too and can I call this emotional abuse? because God knows I haven't hurt like this in a while. and god knows I've scrambled around for a blade one time too many. and I can't figure out what's good for me. and I can't stop hurting. love is a funny thing. you break apart and you hope for him to piece you back together but you keep forgetting how jagged the ends of this glass is. and he has bled one time too many over you. I am not worth anything. maybe I need to drink more maybe it will numb everything away because I've been looking for something that will melt this heartache. 

transitory

Hi I'm Irdina Suleiman. I was born on a Thursday afternoon, at about 4:44PM, 18 February 1999. I suppose this is how all our stories began. I used to wonder why so many babies were born light skinned but as I grew up I've realised that at the time we were all canvases waiting to be marked by the different people you meet through your life. I should've known. After all, the canvases I've seen in the museums I've been too are filled with history and an outpouring of emotion that I wouldn't know where to begin with. So I  started my own canvases and I tried to find the right colours, a palette to my liking before I finally realised what I was doing to myself. I destroyed any possibility of being a showpiece when my knife became my paintbrush. I don't know why I decided to do this. Maybe because there's 31 days left to O Levels and I can't decipher this aching sense of loss. I've been feeling heavy lately a lot. It's the same kind of heavy you feel when your father takes you swimming and decides to tuck into your swimsuit a stone, one for every year of your age so that by the time you're 16, the only thing you know better than the burn of oxygen in your lungs as a fire you didn't know you started rages on, is the flickering of a dim heartbeat. I should've known. I should've seen this coming right from the moment I was born that I wasn't meant to live. How could I, when 4 means death and 4 means I shouldn't exist. Remind me why I'm siting alone trying not to convulse into tears even when something inside of me has been ripped to shreds. And remind me how to fix me. 

calligraphy

I've written tremendously these past few days. and I'm trying to find what attributes to that and I figured there's a lot of pieces of me that forgot how to function together. I just want to feel safe again but I end up with a hole where my heart used to be. 

incoherent

not necessarily tired I just am trying to find an excuse to avoid everyone and everything — it feels like a good alone day I want to be alone today as soon I can I think I've run out of strength to be around people. I don't mean to [ maybe i do I never know; can't tell the difference anyway ] but it's taking a toll. I just need to cry and I haven't felt so vulnerable in a while. 

prerequisites

Hey DINA here's a list of things I want you to know.

When we get married:

I want either hot tea or hot coffee. Tea to be served with two teaspoon of sugar and Milo to be served with one teaspoon.

I like my toasts to be a little crunchy and js I love PBJs

I want to be woken up with a kiss or two.

I want you to Salam me and give me a kiss on my lips before we separate.

I want you to know that I like my bed to be clean and pillows to be nicely stacked on top of each other and bolsters to be tucked away either by the side of the wardrobe or under the bed. I'd like my comforters to be placed in the sun at least once a week.

I'd like my shirt to be ironed and make sure there's a knife edge crease on both sleeves (and pants).

I want to come home to at least 30mins of talk with you before we have dinner of 1hour dinner including talk before we go to bed.

I want to pray with you.

Before we get married (right now)

I want you to know that I would love you even without —

If I'm paying, you cannot say no.

If you feel bad that you're always on the receiving end, tell me then maybe we can get lunch and you can pay for it.

If there's something that's bothering you, speak about it to ME in real life. I can control my anger better irl when I'm with you.

If you miss me, you can call me anytime that's a privilege card. If I don't answer, please forgive me.

Id like to have lunch with you at least once a month and also a bus ride home with you also at least once a month.

Hug and kiss is a must everytime we separate from each other unless your mom is watching us then it'll be over text or mentally kissing/raping you.

Do note that I'll touch your ass whenever I want to. 

Punching you or a strong nudge doesn't mean I'm gna hit you in the future it just means that I'm strong and I want you to know it. jk. It's usually a friendly punch or nudge. I don't want to hurt you. 

If I start to rummage your body and you don't feel comfortable, stop me. I'll stop.

If you think what I'm doing isn't right, tell me. I'd love to know.

If you're jealous of something, just remind yourself that hakim loves you then hurry go look through your gallery and assure yourself that Hakim is yours because I know for a fact my love, that I do love you with all my heart.