self mutilation, analogies, and metaphors

okay this is actually quite a...
difficult subject to broach.
consider it a hard limit.
but since the thought ran around my head a few times today
i need to let it out.

let's begin with the metaphors, shall we?
or are they analogies?
who knows?

alright.
have you ever felt like you're carrying a 100 kilo bag of...
stuff?
but you can't actually see that you're carrying it.
or you're not allowed to see.
you kinda feel like you're carrying weight blindly.
and then people just keep adding to the weight.
so it's frustrating, right?
like you don't know what you're carrying
but you have to carry it anyway?
yeah. and then that frustration builds up
so what do you do?
go against what people tell you to do and you look.
then you realise you're carrying crap and gross things.
so you want to drop it but you can't.
so you keep carrying it
and keep looking.

i don't know where i'm going with this
but i just needed to let it out.
but it's about self-mutilation.
i want to say don't do it.
but that'd make me a hypocrite.
so do what you think is right.
and may that decision grant you happiness.

- Dina x

insecurities. and me. and millions of girls.

sorry for the delayed update.
if anyone cares.
haha y'know.
a lot's been happening.
a lot of...sadness.
and tears. and hopelessness.
and desperation.
but i kind of learn to live beyond that.
like...look on the bright side, i guess?
HAHA WHAT A JOKE DINA THERE IS NO FUCKING BRIGHT SIDE.

anyway.
what's the deal with insecurities?
they like fuck up your mind
and you ALWAYS feeling that you're never good enough.
like there's always someone better than you.
and to be honest
this is really nothing new (surprise haha)
of course so many people will be like
YEAH OMG I SO GET WHAT YOU MEAN RIGHT NOW
U FEEL ME K.
no.
everyone feels insecure, yeah sure.
but everyone feels kinda like a different insecurity.
you get me?
i don't know maybe it's just the late nights.
or the depression.
who knows, ya?

i hate feeling insecure.
i feel so weak.
so powerless.
i don't like it.

 a little short
and not as long winded as usual.

but cheerio.

"nothing in life is promised
except for death."

- Dina x

to some of my oldest pals. love you guys :)

Depression

depression and i actually are quite good friends now.
she knows me better than anyone else.
she's there whenever i don't need her
but gives me good company too.
and it's not like me to turn down company
be it good or bad.

Sadness

close friend of mine
and Depression.
after all, most of the times they visit together.
thoughtful aren't they?
but i met Depression before Sadness.
but we had been acquainted.
long story.
and an everlasting friendship.


Insomnia

she's kinda new around here.
but usually comes knocking right after Sadness.
yeah, i know that saying.
two's a company, three's a crowd...
but hey, here's to new friends, aye?
she usually keeps me company throughout the long nights.
in time, we'll know each other better.
and she's around, after the other two have left.
and how sweet is that? :)

thanks for being around guys.
constantly shoving yourself on me.
sure it's obnoxious
but i feel the love, yeah?
and i'll love you guys too.
for the companionship,
and for always keeping me company.

LOVE YOU. :*

not so melancholic after all, right? (:

- Dina x

burning bridges and reconstruction pains.

okay i was supposed to update ages ago.

but the weekends came.

and weekends are the days

i set fire to the bridge that leads me back to the real world.

because the real world hurts.

NO I WON'T MAKE THIS POST SAD.

everyone's so positive on their blogs now.

it makes me want to huddle up into a corner 

and bawl.

BUT I SHALL NOT because:

a) i have reached a level of maturity of some sort.

b) bawling doesn't solve anything. trust me.

c) corners are dark, dusty places which depresses me...further.

ANYWAY.

i hate mondays.

because i have to reconstruct the bridge.

from my world, to THAT world.

the one everyone lives in.

and it's backbreaking work.

go ask any construction worker.

no one's gonna say lifting all that heavy shit is fun.

and i have to make sure it's steady.

but this is the part i hate:

when i just about get everything ready

bridge is built 

i can frolic over it as long as i want

then the weekends come and i cut all ties.

OKAY SURE.

i know what you're thinking.

"then don't burn the frikken bridge omg dina why are you so stupid?"

shut up.

my bridge - i'll burn it if i want okay.

YOU: what? omg, what, then why is she complaining gosh it's all her own fault. /exits blog/

fine be that way.

SOCIETY IS EVIL.

i can SO teach Hypocrisy 101.

aha.

so as you can see i'm really into this metaphorical shit.

or was that even a metaphor?
hahaha i don't know.

anyway.

here's a happy post 

cos i rarely have those 

and to make up for THIS happy post

i'll spice up the melancholy on the next.

till the next post.

- Dina x

love will be there still.

and though your arms and legs are under, love will be the echo in your ears, when all is lost and plunder. my love will be there still.

just remember that.
no matter how bad you feel
no matter how shitty you feel about yourself.
no matter what people say.
out of the 7 billion people in the world
someone out there loves you.
so don't be sad.

shalom.
i love you lots and lots kay.
i know everything sucks
but there are people out there who care.
namely me.
natasha, rupal, hannah...
the list can go on and on.
i'm not expecting you to be always happy.
but be satisfied.

and to anyone else who's reading this.
i love you.

- Dina x

run, or get trampled on.

first of all,
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY.

finally, finally, finally.
it's been a long week.
an exhaustingly long week.
friday is the perfect closure.
and it's november, after long last.
11 months have gone in this year.
yes, that is so amazingly quick...
can you believe it?
so many things just...happened.
moving on from primary school
to a secondary school
secondary school...
an exhausting world where it seems to be for each her own.
everyone's running
trying so hard to keep up in this race of a life.
and i'm here just...walking.
or maybe jogging, who knows?
i'm just trying not to get trampled on.
because with the rate everyone's going
i won't have much a chance of getting up.

i have been thinking about this.
mama said that the first year would be like...
a test run.
if i can handle it at this school.
and to be honest?
i truly don't think i can.
i keep trying but it's never good enough.
i don't think i'm good enough
for anyone's standard.
maybe when everyone's running ahead, i'm strolling.
geting shoved and hit by people
but refusing to run.
because i can't run with these group of people.
they're too...fast.
okay i'll drop this running metaphor thingy.

my point is.
i don't think i want to do this anymore.
but mama went through SO MUCH
just to help me get into the said school
and this is how i show gratitude?
it's so unfair.
so i'm trying this new thing
where i will think of 5 things i can do
and 5 things i can work on.
every morning.
maybe i'll post it on here.

remember:
don't regret anything because at one point of time
it was something you truly wanted.

so you've heard enough from me.
to a great friday.
if god wills it.
TTFN

- Dina x