អាណាព្យាបាល នៃ កាឡាក់ស៊ី នេះ

BREATHE EVERY PANICKED GASP OF AIR LIKE MY LUNGS NEEDED IT BECAUSE SINCE THE MOMENT I SAW YOUR SMILE, IT LAUNCHED ME INTO THE STARS, PAST THE MOON SO I'VE LEARNT TO EXIST WITHOUT THE OXYGEN THAT I SUPPOSEDLY NEEDED.

i don't need as many things as i thought i needed anymore.

i don't need to strap gold around my neck, or rest silver upon my wrists.

because the stars were melting the moment i saw your smile, with the sparkle you stole from the stars and not many things mattered.

the sun found a way to combust and i watched everything burst into flames except the memory of your searing touch.

and for some reason, the galaxy never adjusted to try to re-assemble.

-dina xx

ευσεβής πόθος

don't breathe your flames of fire on me.

don't look at me like i'm about to break.

because you have shoved upon me every silence,

pressed the state of wordlessness

down my throat

so that when my mouth

wraps itself around letters

the only words i can form

are yours ;

so that in some kind of

alternate dimension

i could pretend

i found a way to take care

of myself

all the years you were supposed

to do it

and when you come back

i'm hope you can see

that i've grown

that i'm pressed suits

and maybelline finishers

that i'm high heels

and tied hair

and maybe you'd see

and someday

you'd want me again,

momma.

-dina xx

雷暴

/ come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are / 

there are so many days where i feel like pieces of me have been ripped out and been given to other people. so many pieces of my puzzle have been dismantled and distributed because i know who i can and cannot live without.

and i promise you i cannot live without you.

your grief is a cloud darkening all my states and cities and demanding of attention and i'm sorry all i've done is held the umbrella up, as if i were to block you out, find a way to seek refuge against your downpour, i can forget it ever happened;

as if i can forget you ever existed.

as if i could forget the howling wind and the scream of thunder echoing your desperation and despair because i know you are a broken person.

and sometimes i wish death for you, because in these painful moments, when you've let out enough rain to flood the cities but the clouds still bear weight, i'd rather you feel numb than any of the heaviness you feel.

i'd rather you dead than know that breathing hurts your lungs. like when your breath hooks on to every promise they've ever made to you, like swallowing thorned roses.

so remind me to dance in the rain with you. to remember that even bad things wash away with the thunderstorm.

- dina xx

નીકળો ઘાવ

there's a part of me that wonders what makes it hurt so much because i have methodically ripped to shreds every ounce of emotion i once felt in your presence because you have proved to be undeserving of them. you have proved to only destroy every illusion of happiness, you scratched the sunshine out of her smile. so i'll take a rain check on your desire to destroy me.

but even with the fire engulfing me in all its flames, even with the sun combusting inside of me, i cannot wrap my head around the way your name is still stapled to the roof of my mouth like a lifeline. how could you be? you quit that job long before i had the chance to fire you. you never wanted to hold a position you weren't able to handle but i clung on to your broken promises like i didn't hear the insincerity bubbling from the inside of your throat.

i hope you forget i exist. i hope that you leave long enough for me to let the time wrap gauze around every exit wound where i've let you in again and again and again.

i hope you find someone new to hurt because i am drained empty and i am sorry, because that means i'm all out of use to you.

i'm sorry i could never be enough.

- dina xx

مفقود // הפסד

there's no other way i know how to let out emotions without painstakingly bleeding my way out of each and every one of them because somehow the image of fear and the idea of beauty has contorted together and has been regurgitated to us in a way that makes it hurt less.

i don't know how to be brave.

i don't know how to be strong. 

i don't know if i am still capable of fine tuning every negative thought that flits into my head. 

i don't know so many things that i'm supposed to know.

and i can't tell if i'm wrong or if everybody's right because i can't seem to draw the lines anymore. there's so much difference that suddenly it becomes the same and there's a stab somewhere in my gut where things were supposed to get better, when breathing didn't hurt this bad, when crying meant i had lost something instead of someone. 

and fear didn't equate to the hollowness of every fibre of your bone when you realise they were never there. they were beautiful illusions and haunting hallucinations.

they were sunshine before the hurricane rolled in and killed every inch of your worth.

but somehow it always comes down to this:

"it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

-dina xx 

ช่วยให้

there' a certain comfort in the hollowness that allows your body to sink into itself. it makes everything pile up on each other so that even if you move, you can feel the muscles pulling your bones out of a peaceful slumber. there's an ache somewhere but it doesn't matter because if you move, if you so much as breathe, it will ache every where;

the way it seems to ache when they call your name as if they notice that you exist at all.

the way it seems to ache when they push you further back until you are shivering at the thought of your own skin.

the way it seems to ache when you cry, and the sobs stick into your throat and they mistake it for your laughter.

nothing seems to fall right anymore. and somehow you shoulder the guilt of everyone's lack of concern and you collapse. because you were nothing to begin with. how do you hold up the weight of everything when you barely have enough to be something?

so let your destructive thoughts burn this body into ash.

let your flames consume everything you had faithfully choked out of your body because being full meant being empty.

may your cries encage you until you learn to let the water seep into every surface of you that you have left.

let it sting.

because then, at least you still feel something at all.

- dina xx

"you're someone else's saving grace."

you are not mine to save. you are worthy of too much more than that. you're an uncut diamond, already glimmering with potential and I am but a slave with my hands cut over and over by the words of your master. don't look at me and beg me to save you. you're not mine to save. you're not mine to save. you're not mine to save.

you're a verse in a song I've turned cliche, you're a line in a story I've inked across hipbones and wrists and you're my 5AM thoughts. when you smile, I see you breaking. when you laugh, I hear you choking. but I can't help but wonder if I let my touch burn onto your skin the way your gaze are open bullet wounds on my temple, if I could be somehow belong to you in the way the rain belonged to the sky; beautiful, necessary but temporary. until you need me again.

I want to interlock your fingers in my ribcage and feel my heart constrict in your hands, where it has felt safest. the same way you grip a balloon the tightest right before it bursts — all air and nothingness in your face. I can't be your balloon, your trip to Nirvana, your flying house over every adventure. because my hands don't fit around you the way they should and your arms slip around me too easily. I cannot save myself. and I cannot save you; how can I save someone who wants to think they love me? no. you're not for my fingers to caress, not for my gaze to hold. your name is not for my lips to wrap around like a prayer. I cannot save you.

you are not mine to keep and I am not yours to save. not when you're someone else's saving grace.

"my life is a shitty job she had never been poor enough to keep."

- dina xx

addicted

there's a heartbeat somewhere, hidden beneath the sobs and the darkness. there's a figure, and I can't quite make out what it is, but it follows me. and it's haunting. and it's beautiful. I can't help but notice that the chair by my bedside is empty, as it has been for awhile now. there are lies that are tattooed upon my face that people can't see. there's the sound of a shriek somewhere inside of my head. there's a heartbeat. there's a a sob. there's a scream. and then comes the deafening silence. and it's over. before it starts again. these soundwaves have found homage on the crease on my wrist, on the skin that molded into the bones of my arm.

tell me about your pain, but make it pretty. let yourself cry in pretty mascara stains down your cheeks and a song in your sleep. let the darkness swallow you but only after everyone has gone to sleep because no one wants to see you like this.

and you are addicted to the pain. to the plea. to the torture, to the mercy.

"the difference between an addict and one who is drowning is that the one who is drowning knows it. the addict will drink the sea until it becomes him."

- dina xx

kuch kuch hota hai

I don't know what this feeling is but it's driving me crazy, because I'm the one with anything to lose. you bit back every ounce of pain and doused it in your own personal form of medication. and I'm no arsonists but I can tell you that fuel cannot put out fire. hatred and fear are feelings I have learnt to describe but never knew how to deal with. there are emotions you stir up far more intense than I can deal with and I'm sorry.  because you deserve a comfort call with no strings attached. it's strange because I'm addressing so many different people, but it's the same ones every time. my thoughts are too big for paper, the way your smile is brighter than the sun. balancing is a tedious act and we all fall off in the beginning. we eventually learn to manage, except the ones who never grow up. you make me hate you. you make you hate yourself. feelings and emotions and I seem to get TOO much because your screams are piercing through all the thoughts in my head and it's impossible to think of anything besides the way your words hurt me.

in other news, I want to marry shah rukh khan and I have set eyes and expectations of people whose names I refuse to mention.

kuch kuch hota hai

- dina xx

from me to you;

"all I wanna be, all I ever wanna be is somebody to you; everybody's tryna be a billionaire, but everytime I look at you, I just don't care."

yes, I quoted The Vamps HAHAHAH but anyway I had a heart-to-heart with someone on my personal A-List today and that actually brougt light to plenty of things that were bothering me but I've always tried to conceal beneath the shadows. FIRST and foremost, addressing said person;

dear a,

I don't know if you'll see this but if you do, I just really want to thank you because you make me feel like it's okay to talk about what I'm feeling. I feel like I might run out of ways to thank you but there's always more to thank you for. its always great to sit down with you face to face to have a proper talk, where we are not masked by our mastery of this language and our problems sound less eloquent then we make them out to be. theres always a crushing relief after I talk to you and I feel like I relate to you on a personal level. thank you. I don't know how else to say this, but thank you. you are deserving of all kinds of happiness. fav, and you'll always be my fav

dina x

so this is the part where several parties came in and for my own simplicity, I will address it to 'you', although the people I talk about won't ever see this.

dear you,

I've known you long enough to understand the complications that plague you are beneath words. and I know when you're mad and when you've maxed out and you kinda just need a little assurance. I know you (all of you) and I've held you close enough that I thought you've been engraved into the hollow spaces of my bones and carved into my deepest memory. but somehow, you slip away. you pull away, like being jolted awake and I can't find you anymore. and every part of me aches to find the open door where you let me in the first time but I can't find you anymore. you're a sealed door in the alleyway I've paced OVER and OVER and OVER. you're a weapon and you haven't even shot me yet but there are wounds where I let your broken promises spear through me. ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS SOMEBODY TO YOU. but lately, I'd settle for kissing the dust motes that shiver in your presence. HOW DOES EMPTINESS FEEL SO HEAVY?

- dina xx

here are the things I'll never get back

your eyes are lifeless but burn probing questions, searing the memory of pain deep within this soulless vessel. and I can only wonder which is easier; to hurt or to keep breathing? because from the moment your smile said everything you wouldn't, I emptied my being to make room for yours. I choked on every word you fed me like I was a baby bird, and you were the only way I could feel full again. I left your initials in scars across my skin, hoping you would fade away as they did. but scars don't fade. they remain etched upon my skin, a secret reminder that I screwed up. a tattoo in verses of the chapter I never got to end, I will be haunted. because like scars, these memories don't seem to fade. and bravery is something you have taken from me and sealed up inside of plenty of thoughts you have decided to burn.

here are the things I will never get back:
1. the very essence of being, a light to find the reason you certainly hid in the obscurity of my blindness
2.  a home to harbour thoughts and a space to call my own because I cannot empty the weight of these contents into an empty nest.
3. me.

- dina xx

#17

17 embodies everything I've struggled with, struggled over. 17 means getting up and pushing forward. 17 means hanging on even when you throw me hooks instead of ropes. 17 is falling into an endless pit but looking forward to the ground because it would mean stability. 17 is louder than every thought and bigger than every dream. 17 means I am stronger than you make me feel. 17 means I can leave without running away. 17 means it is okay to be me.

this probably doesn't mean much to most people. a number cannot define you they say. a number cannot account for who you are. but let them count all these scars and know that 17 is a stronger number than they would ever know. 17 is brave. 17 is selfless. 17 could love and be loved.

17 June said goodbye to doubt and tears and bloodied wrists. 17 June is me, starting all over again.

- dina xx

Crushed Hearts, Broken Souls, Bleeding Minds

one:
a bullet to the
temple
has become a
metaphor for
every crying soul
begging to be
released
i wasn't even
trying to
kill myself
i was just trying
to make the voices
shut up
but how do you kill
the demon (in your head)
without killing
yourself?

two:
a handful of your
mama's sleeping pills
to lull you to
an infinite of
endless dreams
i never planned to
sleep forever
i just tried
and tried
and tried
to never wake up

three:
jumping off the ledge
of a twenty story building
i was always jumping
but in reverse,
i had never wanted to
stop my heart
i just wanted to feel
my blood rushing agin
i just wanted to
feel again. 

واحدة جميلة

you don't have to cry. not today, not tonight. you are a soul carved from the finest of silk and a body built off of broken pieces and connecting points. I dare you to burn your gaze through mine and convince me that you will not fit within your own body. I dare you to free yourself of your shadows and seek beauty amongst the flower fields that glow with life. I dare you to trace your own reflection in your mirror and remind yourself that with opression comes freedom, with hardship, there is relief. envelope yourself in your love, and let your eyelashes wipe away your tears. let your smile brighten up your day and let your lungs sing a harmony with the deep breaths you take to fight off your fears.

you can't make fire feel afraid. you cannot be mass destruction when you bring forth with you light. you cannot freeze when you've licked across the water's surface; the only loss is in not trying.

you can be everyone you want to be, or be one person. caterpillar or butterfly, you are an imperfect soul with beauty that shovels past the surface.

- dina xx

breaking through brick barriers

swallowing darkness becomes a habit, not a choice because you are confined by walls that reach up towards the sky, that take away the only light left. you don't choose to be stripped of emotions and void of feeling but it is taken from you. you are left with thoughts that crash over you like tsunami waves and you are left wondering, 'how can you swim when you are drowning?' a highway with no exit, a room with no door. you are forced to trap yourself, forced to take refuge in the darkness that resides inside of you.

this isn't even a dream, this is the reality of loneliness.

these towers are brick barriers I am trying to break but it's hard to break free when people hold it together on the outside. they don't want to see your insides. they enjoy too much the murals, the pretty pictures intricately carved on the outside of the tower. the only reason Rapunzel let the prince in was so she wouldn't feel this emptiness that threatened to swallow her whole. but that meant having to hurt herself as he tugs on her hair to climb on upwards. to appreciate happiness, you must first understand pain. but I am all pain, all dark, all empty and I am starting to think that darkness is inevitable. and escape is impossible.

you can't be invincible when you are invisible.

- dina xx

the burn of sparking emotions

she's swathed in a jacket that wraps around her, tighter than a noose. the fire catches on where her skin meets surface and suddenly, it's not just her she's fighting with. there are too many battles for her to win all of them. sometimes we forget. sometimes we try. many times, we fall. and you watch her stroll across the hallways, and you wouldn't even know how hard she's fighting even when she's losing. all you read is her aura. her fire, her desire – to win. and you're gasping, feeding on every breath of oxygen, while she begs her lungs to find reason to carry on, carry her forward. she's balancing off the bridge that floats above waves of fiery thoughts and words, that transform into flames. flames she's falling into, flames that swallow her whole. and you ask for her heart to stop beating when her soul is already in flames. the irony is that yours is the one that's been charred black.

"the weight of a simple human emotion weighs me down..."

☺ don't ☺ be ☺ sad ☺

yaaaas?

- dina xx

everything no one really needs

maybe days are for the dreamers and nights are for the haunted. I can't bring myself to fully comprehend how this whole 'life' thing works. somehow I think I'm just convincing myself that I'll be out of this too soon to consider anything that could majorly affect anything in my life? I don't know. I guess I never really know and that sucks a little bit more than it usually does. but I know I've gotten tired of everyone's opinions.

but hey somewhere between desire, need and trash, I seem to fit. so go ahead. use me. use me till I have been sucked of all my worth and then chuck me aside. you never really needed me in the first place.

- dina xx

disillusioned

dreams are faded realities and after hours, you find yourself drinking off drunken whispers and choked sobs, feeding off the most convincing masks. how is it that we are not undefinable? and would that expose more beauty or more flaws? we are all broken pieces, gripping on the wrong sides of jagged edges, bleeding but pushing on. aren't full vases prettier than shattered pieces of the beauty it once was? and how do you hold yourself together if you were never whole? a factory damaged product, who are you? what is your purpose? and what is left to keep fighting for?

then flip that over. we must be bigger, stronger, bolder than our obstacles. our problems may define us, but don't let it become who you are. you may be built out of fire, but that doesn't license you to destroy. you are not a killing machine. you are a beautiful piece of art, you are light.

and you will shine.

- dina xx

hunter and the haunted

Her fingers danced across the contours of his face, tracing the curve of his cheek, brushing against his defined jawbone. Her lips curled into a lingering smile as she leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth. A soft giggle bubbled from her throat as she stroked his hair and lay her head on his chest.

Yes, she loved this man. She loved that he could show her love. She loved that he could make her feel. She loved that he assured her of his constant, undying loved. She traced her fingers down his sculpted torso, her fingers meeting the sticky red. She did not contain the laughter that clawed it's way out of her throat this time. She pushed herself off of his unmoving body as her hand reached out to slap his face. Another laugh tumbled out of her mouth as her already bruised knuckles contacted his broken nose. Her nails scraped across the bloody gashes across his chest as her hands were coated in the blood of the man she once loved.

She slipped off the high, king-sized bed pulling off her bloodstained robe, exposing her soft silk shorts and her fitting ice blue tank top, tie-dyed with the darkest, most sinister shade of red. More than that, as she appraised herself in front of the mirror, she could see beneath the dried blood of her husband where her creamy skin had been marked. The black and blue tattooed into her skin, in some places a darker shade, a raw shade and a repelling shade of aged yellow, like faded love. These were the patches of black and blue and black and blue that branded her as his.

She still remembered the fear that would build up as he rattled the key in the lock right before he stepped in. She remembered her little five year old Henry tracing the dark finger-like patterns up her throat asking, does daddy love you, mommy? She remembered the way the answer got lodged in her throat as she struggled with herself to answer the question. Does he? Did he?

She brushed the memory away carelessly, now, as she gripped the bloodied knife blade in her hand, her palm oozing with her own blood as her fingers told her to hold on tighter. She screamed as the back of her free hand dragged along her wet eyes, mixing blood, mascara and tears.

She had killed him She had killed him, his desire to kill her irregardless. She had killed her husband. Her hands shook as she fell to her knees in a pool of blood. She had killed him. In tying to kill the monster she thought her husband was, she had become the monster. Like energy, it cannot be destroyed. She was a manifestation of his evil.

And if he didn't deserve to live...neither did she.

Epilogue:

They passed Henry amongst themselves, pressing kisses to his tear stained face. Henry did not know the prayers they mumbled under their breath, but they knew exactly what they cursed at his parents

But his parents promised that they loved each other. Maybe Daddy loved Mommy so much that he thought he would show her. Maybe every night, Mommy cried because she was so happy that Daddy loved her. Maybe this was the adult love, the kind Mommy never let him watch on the TV.

Fifteen years later, it was still the only kind of love he knew.

♡♡ irdina suleiman ♡♡

holding on till may – why am i crying?

you let it's chords wrap around you, the sound of melting honey drawing you closer and eventually you're gone. cocooned up in the voices that lure you to a happier place and suddenly it's okay again. it's okay that everything hurts, it's okay that your thoughts are too loud in your head. and what you feel is stripped away and romanticized. and it's okay. you're okay; they can hear you. your mangled, silent sobs begging to be heard, your wordless thoughts. they know that the only reason your eyes are still as shiny is because of the film of tears that sat behind it and the only way you're still smiling is because somehow you've convinced yourself that it'll be okay. and you're enveloped in hands tighter than a hug even though they brush across your skin in tiny cold touches, your body reacting in a way opposite to what you feel.

and it's okay. it's just music. the most beautiful version of poetry and expression. and they're right. you're okay. you're okay. you're okay.

- Dina x

wreck/wreak

I am a warped convulsion of a thousand different thoughts, emotions. and I am far from everything you think that I am. I am a wreck. like the anxiety that wreaks havoc in the deep aching pit of your belly, I am built-up, a thousand seconds of pent up emotions. and I'm not sure, not comfortable with this level of uncertainty. I am laced with frustration, that will destroy this city. and I am a hundred different people and I sometimes wonder if I kill myself, is that suicide or homicide? what makes me think such thoughts and dream such nightmares?

what am I made for? to wreak havoc? to destroy, to pursue, to kill? or am I a clot of soil built on numerous insecurities – an inadequate, painful, messy wreck.

what am I?

- Dina x

SUPER SUPERFICIAL EXPECTATIONS

I thought this would be fun & interesting to do because heyyy I have my hormonal-ish moments too ayy?

list of superficial expectations of my future husband/boyfriend:

1. must be able to hold intelligent conversations

2. appreciate literature

3. dress in really nice clothes (so extremely attractive)

4. BE WILLING TO SPLURGE (on me) HAHA

5. must appreciate poetry

6. read widely and then we can discuss all our favorite books

7. taller than me! (yaaas)

8. workout with me! (how is that not attractive?)

9. have bigger dreams than this planet

10. should know me well enough to know when I need company and when I don't

11. be really Islamic (HAHA I want a guy that guides me to the right path)

12. write poems? haha idk I think that'd be pretty cool

13. nice face would be nice

14. be a beautiful person

15. play a sport (like legitimately)

16. be sincere

this is practically impossible wishes but a girl can dream right? should anyone find this perfect guy pls contact me ya thx vvv much HAHA

(((this kind of superficiality feels good)))

- Dina x

a million tiny kisses

they place soft warm kisses, running up and down your forearm. up and down and up and down and up and down. and they leave their mark when they disappear because you're scared. scarred by the image that you're never gonna be whole without them. scarred because this is the only time you feel something. and you love them. you love it, you love this. you love everything and everyone you're not supposed to be. because you're supposed to be beautiful and you're supposed to be stronger than this. but like how alcohol is a dizzying intoxicating relief for an alcoholic, you are my salvation. I am willing to be your colorful exhibition and you can be my paintbrush. I will laugh quiet empty laughs that merge into sobs for you and I can empty myself for you. and I will break myself, falling and hurtling into an abyss I know no end to. and I will break. and I will shatter. and I will be half, a quarter, nothing of what I used to be. I am yours now. I am not me, I am you. I have sold my soul to be yours and you will intoxicate me. you will lay me down and bring relief. you will dance while I bleed, urging me to go on. I was never your master, because you are mine.

so go ahead. silver glint, sharp-edged and all. trail your kisses up my arms, my legs, my thighs. and leave beautiful red trails in your wake. the kisses I never longed for. but hey, any kind of love is better than none at all?

- Dina x

shattered glass

since when did loving everything you are become wrong? why is it that we're labelled egoistic and narcissistic just because we found something of ourselves to love? it's rare, so increibly rare to be properly appreciative of that which we have been blessed with.

why are you snatching that away from me? what have I done that possibly would require you to inflict upon yourself my miseries?  I am me and you are you. and you can't blame yourself for the monster that I am. you can't make me anymore a person by stripping away everything that you are. I will not allow you to be a part of me and to be a part of this unforgiving cycle of falling and trying to get up and falling. you will not be me. you cannot be me. because I need you too much for everything I know you to be to fade away.

yes I'm falling and yes I deserve it and you do not. so why have you shattered when I'm the one falling? if you're already  down there, then who's there left to catch?
so love you. love everything that you are even if no one else does. love that you are free, love that you can feel and love that you can still feel the flutters beneath your chest. I remember how that thrill feels and having it feel like butterflies would explode out of my chest and out of my mouth laced with merriment of song that is your laughter.

don't break. don't break. don't break. not when I'm supposed to catch you. and not when we're supposed to fall together.

- Dina x

goodnight

"I have not broken your heart – you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine."

one step closer; volat

maybe it's something about the way every breath matters when you run. and how you need to keep breathing, else you can't keep going. maybe it's the way you don't have to think about anything besides breathing. and maybe it's knowing every stride brings you closer to the finish line. maybe it's knowing that if you run fast enough, nothing can touch you anymore. because in that moment, nothing matters in the world but you, and your body, and the high that follows.

and then you feel nothing but ecstasy.

this is pretty much the only happiness I know. I think. HAHAH

BUT in all honesty I haven't felt this good I  a while.

if I could I'd spent everyday flying.

- Dina x

igniting flames of scorching sadness

today's lesson learnt:

the only time you're allowed not to be okay with something is when there's nothing you can do about it.

take a breath.

then don't forget to move on.

and cry, but only for a while, only on the inside.

- Dina x

S.W.A.K

this post is addressed to a certain someone (or certain few people). you probably don't know who you are but oh well. here goes nothing.

dear you,

we're in a bit of mess aren't we? and my mom used to tell me that life will sort itself out so I guess this is the waiting bit. and it's hard to figure out what we want when we don't understand who we are. it takes a great deal of courage to make a blind decision. so for that, I salute you. just keep being brave because I know you're capable of it. and I know. I know that it sucks when you keep trying for the wrong people. I know that it sucks to feel so utterly incompetent. and I hate to say this, but that is life. life is trying again and again and again. and being more vulnerable to failure each time. life is falling endlessly and then struggling to get up again. life is trying to breathe underwater. life is struggling to run when you've just learnt to crawl. there is no denying this – life is hard.

but somewhere deep inside the monster I've become, I trust you. I trust that you'll know what to do, and I trust that you're gonna come out of this stronger. and you'll be ok again. even if you're not. you have to learn to be brave again even if you can't. learn to be everything that you're not because that's what everyone expects you to be. but don't try to please everyone. just. be you, be all million kinds of you. and be happy. because I want you to be. and you're beautiful, strong and brave.

you know, you taught me all kinds of important things. but it's beautiful how you taught me that pretty doesn't mean kind. and being strong doesn't mean not feeling. and that crying can only serve to make you weaker or build you tougher. and behind every Barbie doll is a girl struggling with the desire to be perfect to everyone else and perfect to herself.

be happy. even if you're sad, lonely, angry...be happy because it kills me to see you like this.

I wish you knew.

sealed with a kiss

- Dina x

mermaids

and I'm
f                                     g
  a                                n
     l                             i                      
       l                         t                     
         i                     a               
           n                o          
             g            l
                 and f

and I don't really know if I'll be doing this forever. and I don't know what's going to happen. and I don't know much about me as I'd like to so as to figure out what this feeling is. and I'm trying to be as perfect as you want me to be. but somehow I'm never really the person you want me to be. and I don't want to cry anymore. because you are not worth it.

"be brave, tris."
"the first time's always the hardest."   

((insert any other cliched quotes you know here haah))

- Dina x

یادگیری به نفس

again. again. again. I'm trying to be me again. if you think for a second that this easy...well. go check yourself. you keep pushing me and pushing me and then don't expect me to fall. I'm hanging. I'm still trying. and for some reason, you will not be satisfied till I fall. please just give me a chance to prove my worth, to show to you that I am worthy of breathing the air that you do.

and then maybe you give me a chance. and then maybe I'm allowed for a breath of air after being held underwater for all of the time I know. this is me learning to breathe again. this me starting over. and this is one of the things I have to do alone. no one's gonna teach me how to breathe. no one's gonna hold my hand and bring me through all of this all over again.

it's time to be brave. it's time to restart. it's time to renew.

let's be happy again. even if you can't.

and crying will be a part of me I never really knew.

and bravery is an essence that will have sought refuge in the dark places within my bones.

and I will be me again.

- Dina x 

questions and counter-thoughts

why would you hide all of what you are in the shadow of the person you used to be?
is it bcause it brings on an agonizing kind of happiness – like bungee jumping off a cliff without a harness?

but who are you to hide?

who are you not to be beautiful?

who are you not to be brave?

and what does it all mean?

and what are these thoughts that I cannot comprehend?

and how much more don't I know?

is it true what they say, about the more you see, the less you know?

what are you stripping me off?

when you step above and beyond me, am I any less a person?

am I as nothing as you say I am?

and when you leave, have I left stitches over your wounds the way you have with mine?

and when you throw knives at the spaces around my heart, do you mean to?

there are so many thoughts that live and so many ideas that I have succumbed to. if my heart is a meadow, you are the desert. dry and coarse and painful.

but somehow still beautiful.

- Dina x 

c'est très magnifique

and if you listen hard enough, you can hear all the things I find beautiful. you can hear the truth behind every lie, you can hear the painful sobs behind every smile and you can hear the wind singing as the birds return home.

it's so difficult to pick up on the delicate. and sometimes, it's an anguish to hear.

but then again, the only thing worse than hearing is not hearing.

- Dina x

faultlines

when there are faultlines and fractures along the surface of the earth, the hot magma from the mantle of the earth forces it's way through the crust of the earth and fills up the cracks on the crust. this can form volcanoes that can cause highly destructive eruptions.

and to think I used to hate geography. ha ha.

I've had my moments. haven't we all? all the things that break you and always scarring you and scarring you and scarring you. but they don't do any permanent damage, just cause ruptures and cracks. but that's enough, isn't it? it's always that after all damage is done and all your fault lines are highlighted, there will be an undercurrent of anger. like the magma that forces it's way through the crust of the earth, the fury doesn't dissipate until it has been released in a fiery eruption.

then you wait.
till the fire, the demon within you cannot contain itself anymore. and there will be release. destructive, painful, shooting bursts
of
relief.

what is relief if it means hurting everyone around you?

- Dina x

insanity

for a moment i thought i felt brave.
but bravery, insanity...
what's the difference anyway?

be brave
be brave
be brave
be brave
what is bravery anymore?

- Dina x

فرار بزرگ

there's an art to losing yourself

maybe it's because i've never actually been selfless. or particularly kind. and maybe i need a start over. maybe i just need to run away. and just find something beautiful behind all this. sometimes, there are moments where i really just want to drop everything and run. and it's stop mattering where. as long as i can get as far away from here as i can. finally i can fully understand why gale and katniss wanted to get out of their district so bad (i seriously cannot believe i am comparing my life to fictional storybook but whatever every character i read automatically becomes a part of who i am). but i guess i know what it's like to hope. to hope beyond dreams that there is something better behind, after all this mess. all this warring, internal or physical. i guess it's hard to understand why everything tends to complicate itself.

it's like i've learnt not to feel this year and that scares me. what am i now? i can't even cry without my mind cussing at me. every thing i feel is a poisoned dart, shot straight at the spaces away from my heart. painful enough that it makes one crave death, but never granting it. honestly, which one would hurt less - having your heart stabbed, once and it's over, or letting all the pain and hurt and aguish seep out of you by hitting the spaces that guard the heart?

you don't what it's like to want to leave so bad. and to be so close, and then dragged away from it again. you don't what it's like to be damaged to a point where you look unbreakable when in truth, there's just really nothing left for anyone else to break. this hurts to type in more ways than one. when you feel like everything inside is being ripped apart, do you resist the force, or let yourself fall.

run away with me. together, we could plan a great escape. we can run, fly, fast enough that they wouldn't catch us. would could soak up in the atmosphere of sunrise and happiness and hopes and dreams. what other relief do i know?

i'll run away with your footsteps; i'll build a city that dreams for two. and if you lose yourself i will find you.

- Dina x

(PS gonna do some changes to my blog if you've  been here for a long time, you'd know i have my ""phases"")

(PPS the title is in Persian)

where do we begin?

I feel like it's time for me to restart. to rethink, to redo, to recorrect. unfortunately  life didn't come with a playback button. which means I have to this manually by redoing everything I'm doing wrong now. it's about time I start thinking of myself, as selfish as that might sound. I never realised how much – or rather how little – I regard myself. I don't like the person I am, or the person I've evolved to be. I am so much more than who I am now. I know I can be. so who am I to shortchange myself? to shortchange my possibilities?

there's a lot of changes know order. for that, I have come up with a list.

so first,
learning to be zen. learning to be at pace. learning to stay calm in the hardest of situations. learning to keep clear, level-headed and avoiding situations that make me lose my cool. I guess this is also a change of perception and basically being a more positive person in negative situations.

second,
"pulling put weeds."
this concept might be a little difficult for some people. so in my previous blog post, I mentioned how everyone who was a part of me holds a flower in the meadow within. well. with meadows and flowers come weeds. and weeds, while are necessary and inescapable, they are a burden for a heart to carry. maybe this is mean but it also taints the beauty of the meadow. so pulling out weeds essentially means leaving the people who turn me back into the monster I was before. I don't need that anymore.

thirdly,
appreciating. I think I spent like most of my time, consciously and unconsciously, complaining. and no, I don't have a right to do that because I am lucky. I am blessed. I have so many opportunities that other more deserving people would die for. and I don't understand that enough. I've been trying to work on it, trying to build this sense of gratitude. because God can only bless us with more if we learn to be grateful with whatever we have now.

fourth,
countless and countless of times I'll say it, and I'll keep trying countless times more. to be a better Muslim. to be the person God wanted me to be. to be close to Him. I'm still trying. I'm still working at it. and it's really hard because there's so many things happening in my life at the moment which leads me to start questioning. and when the questions begin, the will stops. which is my mistake, a mistake I acknowledge. I need to remember that God always tests the people He loves and every test is a chance to prove myself.

so that's all from my list. these are the things I must work towards to be better. let's do this then.

TTFN

- Dina x

belle étrange; le mérite

you're funny like that. you're mean like that. you're you like that. and you give me strength when I can't seem to feel anymore. and I'm so glad I have you when it feels like no one else is around. the things I don't tell anyone goes back to you and somehow my gut tells me you know me better than you know myself. of course you do. you gave me life, literally. you're my best friend when no one else is willing to be. it's funny how I talk about you like this because you're my mama and there are boundaries I must maintain. from you, I learn that trying is more important than succeeding and that it's okay to be human. but life doesn't wait for you so you have to keep going. but bottom line is, you give me strength to keep fighting even though I'm on the losing end. and from you, I understand the meaning of empowerment. thank you mama.

from you I learn courage. I learn that it's okay to cry, as long as you pick yourself up again. you taught me that everything in life happens for a reason so either suck it up or let life and your emotions consume you. you showed me that some people matter much more than myself and you taught me to smile even when everything hurts. because other people need to see you be strong and brave. because everything behind the mask is everything you don't need to be. you taught me that falling is easy and that getting up easier. you taught me that behind every tough, settled, calm composure is a person trying to be good enough for everyone, trying to please the crowd who refuse to be pleased. you're as soft as a pillow, as hard as a rock; how very apt, because you are my rock. because rational thinking and being zen would get together more places. and that sometimes even when things get tough, you've gotta learn to laugh. thank you papa.

this next segment is for several people. so if you think it's about you or if you wanna know exactly who, go ahead and ask.

to be a wall for everyone is hard. it's hard when you have to be there for everyone all the time, what you feel irregardless. I salute you because you are brave. and strong. and a fighter. I salute the better person you've become and I respect that you're trying. and you're always trying. and you taught me that it's okay; it's okay to be vulnerable. because even at your strongest, even at your peak, you are only human. you taught me that erring never makes you any less a person, you taught me that emoions can exist to pull you forward, towards the sunlight, or pull you backwards into the abyss. the abyss you struggled so hard to get out of. you don't deserve that anymore. I know this is what you deserve — to be unconditionally happy. funny enough, it was your mistakes I learnt from the most. and I learnt that even in the darkness, a kind heart and a warm soul glows from within.
all of you taught me something, but these few statements are dedicated to the people who left the greatest impact in my life.

if you were mentioned or you think you were mentioned, you're probably really beautiful. and even if you weren't, you hold a flower in my heart among the little meadow within.

the deserving; ♡

TTFN

- Dina x

fears and faith

dear God,

hello it's me again. and today I'm going to let myself be completely vulnerable. I'm honestly never really the person I say I am. I'm really scared because that means I don't even know who I am. what kind of person does that make me ): and I know You know best God, but I'm honestly so scared because I don't know what's happening in my life. all I know is that I want to get out of here. I want the entire thing to go through then I want to leave. I don't want anything to do with this place anymore. because it brought out the worst in me. and I'm scared because it pulled me further away from You. I stopped being that girl who placed all faith and trust in the hands of God and I tried to settle everything on my own. but nothing can be done if it's not willed by You and I should've known better. there are days where I feel so frustrated and I look for You even when I have no right to. I have not right to come looking only when I need something. I have no right to because I never remembered You when you've blessed me with so much. so to take things away from me, I understand that. but mama always says, "God never says no. He only says, 'yes, but not now. I have something better for you'." and I'm so scared but I give up. I'm ready to give myself back to God because I will be a better person, a person at peace. insya'allah

irdina suleiman

the beauty of unfathomable pulchritude.

you never fail to make me feel incompetent. like I'm never good enough for you and I never will be. like you expect the world from me and I'm only providing the seas. you shake me you and break me and then walk away expecting me to fix myself up because I live for you.

I live to hear your approval, I live to make sure you love even the broken parts of yourself. because that's all beautiful, it's pulchritude in most basic form. you could be angel that keeps me going or you could be my devil that pelts with hot rocks, scarring me again and again. but you still have me coming back for more because I want to have you in my life in any way then in none at all. you make me cry you make me laugh. you break me only to mend me. how is this not beautiful. because you fix me up. then you unstitch the wounds and rub your own form of salt only to kiss away the pain. this is pulchritude. unfathomable intriguing but still beautiful. because I live for you.

and for some reason. you're always beautiful no matter how much you hurt me. I'd jump to the moon if it would made you smile even a little bit. even when you hurt me again and again and again. even when I've cried oceans and blood for you. even when I'd cut all my broken pieces because of you. you are my beautiful. and I live for you.

- Dina x

choices

I don't understand. one minute you love me, the next you don't know me. we both know what I'm like. we both know I'm not good with emotions. we both know I'm scared. so why would you do this? you make me so insanely happy and you make me so extremely sad; so much thay I don't even know what grey is. I'm your favourite person and I'm the one who puts you through the worst type of pain. honey, we both know that's how it works. when you let your walls down, you're vulnerable to anything. and you've hurt me. I'm sorry to say this but you have. so I feel my walls coming up again. it's either you're staying in it with me, or you're gonna stay out. the ball's in your court now and I'm not gonna tell you to stay or leave. all I want you to know is you'll always be a part of me.

love,
dina x

don't rain on my parade

DRAFTED ON 20TH FEB I FORGOT TO POST IT OOPS 

I think today was a good day. I think. I'm so scared to say that half the time because I don't wanna jinx it. but I don't know why with the happiness, there's a tug of despair. there's always something that shadows every moment. it's there. it's always there. tainting everything I know. and I'm so scared. what if the shadows block out my sunshine? we can't live in a world without light can we??? sighs. this is such a big mess. 

why is it that one person can hurt you so much? how is it that the actions of someone you care about affect you? how is it that I feel incompetent until you come and """prove my worth""" I hate holding on and being too terrified to breathe around you, because I'm scared to taint the oxygen you're breathing. how is it that you (ALL of you) make me feel like crap all the time and can live with yourself. 

can I cut you out of my life??? 

no I can't lol 

- Dina x 

hooked on the adrenaline

it's not running, it's floating. it's flying. it's knowing you're finally doing something right. it's releasing dopamine. it's finally feeling euphoric. it's having something else course through your veins besides the blood. 

anyway so today we ran terry fox run and alicia and I did a solid 10km (((way to go!!! mental high five dina))) it's not my first and it's definitely not gonna be my last but it's nice to know I'm doing something right. when CAs and season clash, my stress level goes into overdrive and it makes me crave to feel the adrenaline. to feel light. to feel good. and I'm not willing to fall back into the person I used to be. I'm gonna be hooked on the adrenaline that's good for me. I think I deserve that. 

another heavy topic got brought up into discussion. something I may have to face at the crossroads sometime in the future. I'm so scared. I know how much this means to my parents and to let them down...that scares me. that fear gets my adrenaline going too. and it's not good for me. but I'm shamelessly hooked on that too. 

I'm hooked onto anything that would make me feel alive again. and like a druggie, I need my fix. everyday. 

because I'm done with people making me feel small. 

"keep making me laugh, lets go get high."

- Dina x 

""great"" expectations

the more you expect something to happen the more it won't. that's probably something I learnt a little too late in life. I'm not gonna deny that I grew up spoilt, because I did. I grew up thinking everything could happen the way I wanted it to simply because I had to have it my way. guess what suckers haha what you don't learn earlier in life, you will learn a tougher way when you're older. 

but why do I still build these great hopes and expect so many things? how is it that I can still dare to wish for things even though I know I could never get? why is it that everytime I've been let down, I build my hopes higher? 

I'm so sick of not meaning a lot to so many people even thought they may mean the world to me. why do I still hope they give a crap? why do I still expect them to love me? it's hard to love someone you can see through. 

haha this is quite a shit valentines day post but lelz I had to get it out somewhere. I hate letting everyone down. l hate letting myself down. I hate that I'm not good enough for any one or anything. I guess sometimes the shadows do win. 

- Dina x 

PRETTY HURTS

disclaimer: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEYONCÉ'S SONG but I did get inspired by it heh 

~

beautiful –

beautiful people;

the beauty of being strong,

the beauty of loving flaws,

the beauty of having flaws 

it's beautiful 

that you're still here;

beautiful

that you're still fighting

that you still smile ~

the simple things 

that you can't see 

the things you don't call 

beauty 

darling

don't sweat the little things –

the light that shines 

comes from within;

remember that 

when you're up late

crying

about the means things

all the kids are saying; 

remember that 

the most beautiful of smiles 

are those that's been through 

the worst of pains 

and that I love you

you're 

still 

beautiful 

to me 

~

TTFN 

- Dina x 

hold on to that feeling // love & softball

so this is what it feels like to love something so much – no matter how close you are to falling off, something tells you to hold a little tighter, to hang a little longer. because it's only when you win that you can fully understand the triumph of victory, and only when you lose that you fathom the bitterness of a loss. when you have your fair share of both, you learn it builds you to be a better, balanced person. 

~

season is starting in like a week or so and I'm so afraid yet so excited. there's a part of me that knows we can nail this, that we totally got it, and the other part that is just telling me I'm not good enough. and I worry that I'll never be. but I guess part of softball is trusting your skills, trusting your coach, trusting your teammates and having a little faith. and being the bravest you that you can be. because once you step out on the field, you're playing for the name in front of your jersey, not the one at the back. 

holding on to that feeling. holding on to that moment, holding on to the stronger part of you. holding on, because it's not always about you. and I need to remember that if I'm gonna be selfish, I'm  not worthy of being called a softballer. if I'm not willing to be the best me I can be, then might as all not play a team game. 

~ 

IM SO HYPED FOR SEASON BUT IT'S ALSO LIKE EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING TOO FAST WOW IDEK MAN I DON'T WANT THIS TO GO ANY FASTER. 

yay for love. yay for softball. yay for everything that makes me happy; my teammates, softball. I'm so blessed. 

TTFN 

- Dina x 

the things that hurt the most; raw truths

These are certain things I would never really say out loud but I guess its safe to say on here.

so it's 1st January and I'm not exactly starting on a bright note. because everything inside of me hates everything I am. that sounds so depressing and I swear I'm not depressed. I'm just sad a lot of the time. and sometimes when people tell me to be strong, I feel sadder because that means I'm not. I'm a horrible mishmash of every single negative emotion and it makes me a bad person. I don't like to think of my death because I'm so convinced I will actually be the one who causes it. there are nights where I wonder if sadness is a choice or a weakness or a test. there are days where the sadness leaks out and becomes tears and cuts. sometimes I cry till the tears hurt my eyes and the sobs get lodged in my throat. sometimes I wish I could tell people everything hurts and have someone make it better. sometimes I want to have a little something to believe in. and sometimes it's nice to know someone has your back. when I get scared, I think of everything I've done wrong and I convince myself I'm worthless. because there are times when I know I am. I get so tired sometimes because I'm still trying, you walked away ages ago. but there's always a part that won't let go. because people leave all the time. my job is to not give a crap but how can you be ignorant to that ache? that crave for someone who's made your life different? 

"you can't lose if you're the one who walks away from the game before it's over." 

I hate that the year started off like that. but this is something I've never really had a control over. 

TTFN 

- Dina x