where do we begin?

I feel like it's time for me to restart. to rethink, to redo, to recorrect. unfortunately  life didn't come with a playback button. which means I have to this manually by redoing everything I'm doing wrong now. it's about time I start thinking of myself, as selfish as that might sound. I never realised how much – or rather how little – I regard myself. I don't like the person I am, or the person I've evolved to be. I am so much more than who I am now. I know I can be. so who am I to shortchange myself? to shortchange my possibilities?

there's a lot of changes know order. for that, I have come up with a list.

so first,
learning to be zen. learning to be at pace. learning to stay calm in the hardest of situations. learning to keep clear, level-headed and avoiding situations that make me lose my cool. I guess this is also a change of perception and basically being a more positive person in negative situations.

second,
"pulling put weeds."
this concept might be a little difficult for some people. so in my previous blog post, I mentioned how everyone who was a part of me holds a flower in the meadow within. well. with meadows and flowers come weeds. and weeds, while are necessary and inescapable, they are a burden for a heart to carry. maybe this is mean but it also taints the beauty of the meadow. so pulling out weeds essentially means leaving the people who turn me back into the monster I was before. I don't need that anymore.

thirdly,
appreciating. I think I spent like most of my time, consciously and unconsciously, complaining. and no, I don't have a right to do that because I am lucky. I am blessed. I have so many opportunities that other more deserving people would die for. and I don't understand that enough. I've been trying to work on it, trying to build this sense of gratitude. because God can only bless us with more if we learn to be grateful with whatever we have now.

fourth,
countless and countless of times I'll say it, and I'll keep trying countless times more. to be a better Muslim. to be the person God wanted me to be. to be close to Him. I'm still trying. I'm still working at it. and it's really hard because there's so many things happening in my life at the moment which leads me to start questioning. and when the questions begin, the will stops. which is my mistake, a mistake I acknowledge. I need to remember that God always tests the people He loves and every test is a chance to prove myself.

so that's all from my list. these are the things I must work towards to be better. let's do this then.

TTFN

- Dina x

belle étrange; le mérite

you're funny like that. you're mean like that. you're you like that. and you give me strength when I can't seem to feel anymore. and I'm so glad I have you when it feels like no one else is around. the things I don't tell anyone goes back to you and somehow my gut tells me you know me better than you know myself. of course you do. you gave me life, literally. you're my best friend when no one else is willing to be. it's funny how I talk about you like this because you're my mama and there are boundaries I must maintain. from you, I learn that trying is more important than succeeding and that it's okay to be human. but life doesn't wait for you so you have to keep going. but bottom line is, you give me strength to keep fighting even though I'm on the losing end. and from you, I understand the meaning of empowerment. thank you mama.

from you I learn courage. I learn that it's okay to cry, as long as you pick yourself up again. you taught me that everything in life happens for a reason so either suck it up or let life and your emotions consume you. you showed me that some people matter much more than myself and you taught me to smile even when everything hurts. because other people need to see you be strong and brave. because everything behind the mask is everything you don't need to be. you taught me that falling is easy and that getting up easier. you taught me that behind every tough, settled, calm composure is a person trying to be good enough for everyone, trying to please the crowd who refuse to be pleased. you're as soft as a pillow, as hard as a rock; how very apt, because you are my rock. because rational thinking and being zen would get together more places. and that sometimes even when things get tough, you've gotta learn to laugh. thank you papa.

this next segment is for several people. so if you think it's about you or if you wanna know exactly who, go ahead and ask.

to be a wall for everyone is hard. it's hard when you have to be there for everyone all the time, what you feel irregardless. I salute you because you are brave. and strong. and a fighter. I salute the better person you've become and I respect that you're trying. and you're always trying. and you taught me that it's okay; it's okay to be vulnerable. because even at your strongest, even at your peak, you are only human. you taught me that erring never makes you any less a person, you taught me that emoions can exist to pull you forward, towards the sunlight, or pull you backwards into the abyss. the abyss you struggled so hard to get out of. you don't deserve that anymore. I know this is what you deserve — to be unconditionally happy. funny enough, it was your mistakes I learnt from the most. and I learnt that even in the darkness, a kind heart and a warm soul glows from within.
all of you taught me something, but these few statements are dedicated to the people who left the greatest impact in my life.

if you were mentioned or you think you were mentioned, you're probably really beautiful. and even if you weren't, you hold a flower in my heart among the little meadow within.

the deserving; ♡

TTFN

- Dina x

fears and faith

dear God,

hello it's me again. and today I'm going to let myself be completely vulnerable. I'm honestly never really the person I say I am. I'm really scared because that means I don't even know who I am. what kind of person does that make me ): and I know You know best God, but I'm honestly so scared because I don't know what's happening in my life. all I know is that I want to get out of here. I want the entire thing to go through then I want to leave. I don't want anything to do with this place anymore. because it brought out the worst in me. and I'm scared because it pulled me further away from You. I stopped being that girl who placed all faith and trust in the hands of God and I tried to settle everything on my own. but nothing can be done if it's not willed by You and I should've known better. there are days where I feel so frustrated and I look for You even when I have no right to. I have not right to come looking only when I need something. I have no right to because I never remembered You when you've blessed me with so much. so to take things away from me, I understand that. but mama always says, "God never says no. He only says, 'yes, but not now. I have something better for you'." and I'm so scared but I give up. I'm ready to give myself back to God because I will be a better person, a person at peace. insya'allah

irdina suleiman

the beauty of unfathomable pulchritude.

you never fail to make me feel incompetent. like I'm never good enough for you and I never will be. like you expect the world from me and I'm only providing the seas. you shake me you and break me and then walk away expecting me to fix myself up because I live for you.

I live to hear your approval, I live to make sure you love even the broken parts of yourself. because that's all beautiful, it's pulchritude in most basic form. you could be angel that keeps me going or you could be my devil that pelts with hot rocks, scarring me again and again. but you still have me coming back for more because I want to have you in my life in any way then in none at all. you make me cry you make me laugh. you break me only to mend me. how is this not beautiful. because you fix me up. then you unstitch the wounds and rub your own form of salt only to kiss away the pain. this is pulchritude. unfathomable intriguing but still beautiful. because I live for you.

and for some reason. you're always beautiful no matter how much you hurt me. I'd jump to the moon if it would made you smile even a little bit. even when you hurt me again and again and again. even when I've cried oceans and blood for you. even when I'd cut all my broken pieces because of you. you are my beautiful. and I live for you.

- Dina x