choices

I don't understand. one minute you love me, the next you don't know me. we both know what I'm like. we both know I'm not good with emotions. we both know I'm scared. so why would you do this? you make me so insanely happy and you make me so extremely sad; so much thay I don't even know what grey is. I'm your favourite person and I'm the one who puts you through the worst type of pain. honey, we both know that's how it works. when you let your walls down, you're vulnerable to anything. and you've hurt me. I'm sorry to say this but you have. so I feel my walls coming up again. it's either you're staying in it with me, or you're gonna stay out. the ball's in your court now and I'm not gonna tell you to stay or leave. all I want you to know is you'll always be a part of me.

love,
dina x

don't rain on my parade

DRAFTED ON 20TH FEB I FORGOT TO POST IT OOPS 

I think today was a good day. I think. I'm so scared to say that half the time because I don't wanna jinx it. but I don't know why with the happiness, there's a tug of despair. there's always something that shadows every moment. it's there. it's always there. tainting everything I know. and I'm so scared. what if the shadows block out my sunshine? we can't live in a world without light can we??? sighs. this is such a big mess. 

why is it that one person can hurt you so much? how is it that the actions of someone you care about affect you? how is it that I feel incompetent until you come and """prove my worth""" I hate holding on and being too terrified to breathe around you, because I'm scared to taint the oxygen you're breathing. how is it that you (ALL of you) make me feel like crap all the time and can live with yourself. 

can I cut you out of my life??? 

no I can't lol 

- Dina x 

hooked on the adrenaline

it's not running, it's floating. it's flying. it's knowing you're finally doing something right. it's releasing dopamine. it's finally feeling euphoric. it's having something else course through your veins besides the blood. 

anyway so today we ran terry fox run and alicia and I did a solid 10km (((way to go!!! mental high five dina))) it's not my first and it's definitely not gonna be my last but it's nice to know I'm doing something right. when CAs and season clash, my stress level goes into overdrive and it makes me crave to feel the adrenaline. to feel light. to feel good. and I'm not willing to fall back into the person I used to be. I'm gonna be hooked on the adrenaline that's good for me. I think I deserve that. 

another heavy topic got brought up into discussion. something I may have to face at the crossroads sometime in the future. I'm so scared. I know how much this means to my parents and to let them down...that scares me. that fear gets my adrenaline going too. and it's not good for me. but I'm shamelessly hooked on that too. 

I'm hooked onto anything that would make me feel alive again. and like a druggie, I need my fix. everyday. 

because I'm done with people making me feel small. 

"keep making me laugh, lets go get high."

- Dina x 

""great"" expectations

the more you expect something to happen the more it won't. that's probably something I learnt a little too late in life. I'm not gonna deny that I grew up spoilt, because I did. I grew up thinking everything could happen the way I wanted it to simply because I had to have it my way. guess what suckers haha what you don't learn earlier in life, you will learn a tougher way when you're older. 

but why do I still build these great hopes and expect so many things? how is it that I can still dare to wish for things even though I know I could never get? why is it that everytime I've been let down, I build my hopes higher? 

I'm so sick of not meaning a lot to so many people even thought they may mean the world to me. why do I still hope they give a crap? why do I still expect them to love me? it's hard to love someone you can see through. 

haha this is quite a shit valentines day post but lelz I had to get it out somewhere. I hate letting everyone down. l hate letting myself down. I hate that I'm not good enough for any one or anything. I guess sometimes the shadows do win. 

- Dina x