雷暴

/ come up to meet you, tell you i'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are / 

there are so many days where i feel like pieces of me have been ripped out and been given to other people. so many pieces of my puzzle have been dismantled and distributed because i know who i can and cannot live without.

and i promise you i cannot live without you.

your grief is a cloud darkening all my states and cities and demanding of attention and i'm sorry all i've done is held the umbrella up, as if i were to block you out, find a way to seek refuge against your downpour, i can forget it ever happened;

as if i can forget you ever existed.

as if i could forget the howling wind and the scream of thunder echoing your desperation and despair because i know you are a broken person.

and sometimes i wish death for you, because in these painful moments, when you've let out enough rain to flood the cities but the clouds still bear weight, i'd rather you feel numb than any of the heaviness you feel.

i'd rather you dead than know that breathing hurts your lungs. like when your breath hooks on to every promise they've ever made to you, like swallowing thorned roses.

so remind me to dance in the rain with you. to remember that even bad things wash away with the thunderstorm.

- dina xx

નીકળો ઘાવ

there's a part of me that wonders what makes it hurt so much because i have methodically ripped to shreds every ounce of emotion i once felt in your presence because you have proved to be undeserving of them. you have proved to only destroy every illusion of happiness, you scratched the sunshine out of her smile. so i'll take a rain check on your desire to destroy me.

but even with the fire engulfing me in all its flames, even with the sun combusting inside of me, i cannot wrap my head around the way your name is still stapled to the roof of my mouth like a lifeline. how could you be? you quit that job long before i had the chance to fire you. you never wanted to hold a position you weren't able to handle but i clung on to your broken promises like i didn't hear the insincerity bubbling from the inside of your throat.

i hope you forget i exist. i hope that you leave long enough for me to let the time wrap gauze around every exit wound where i've let you in again and again and again.

i hope you find someone new to hurt because i am drained empty and i am sorry, because that means i'm all out of use to you.

i'm sorry i could never be enough.

- dina xx