so it's 1st January and I'm not exactly starting on a bright note. because everything inside of me hates everything I am. that sounds so depressing and I swear I'm not depressed. I'm just sad a lot of the time. and sometimes when people tell me to be strong, I feel sadder because that means I'm not. I'm a horrible mishmash of every single negative emotion and it makes me a bad person. I don't like to think of my death because I'm so convinced I will actually be the one who causes it. there are nights where I wonder if sadness is a choice or a weakness or a test. there are days where the sadness leaks out and becomes tears and cuts. sometimes I cry till the tears hurt my eyes and the sobs get lodged in my throat. sometimes I wish I could tell people everything hurts and have someone make it better. sometimes I want to have a little something to believe in. and sometimes it's nice to know someone has your back. when I get scared, I think of everything I've done wrong and I convince myself I'm worthless. because there are times when I know I am. I get so tired sometimes because I'm still trying, you walked away ages ago. but there's always a part that won't let go. because people leave all the time. my job is to not give a crap but how can you be ignorant to that ache? that crave for someone who's made your life different?
"you can't lose if you're the one who walks away from the game before it's over."
I hate that the year started off like that. but this is something I've never really had a control over.
TTFN
- Dina x
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