fears and faith

dear God,

hello it's me again. and today I'm going to let myself be completely vulnerable. I'm honestly never really the person I say I am. I'm really scared because that means I don't even know who I am. what kind of person does that make me ): and I know You know best God, but I'm honestly so scared because I don't know what's happening in my life. all I know is that I want to get out of here. I want the entire thing to go through then I want to leave. I don't want anything to do with this place anymore. because it brought out the worst in me. and I'm scared because it pulled me further away from You. I stopped being that girl who placed all faith and trust in the hands of God and I tried to settle everything on my own. but nothing can be done if it's not willed by You and I should've known better. there are days where I feel so frustrated and I look for You even when I have no right to. I have not right to come looking only when I need something. I have no right to because I never remembered You when you've blessed me with so much. so to take things away from me, I understand that. but mama always says, "God never says no. He only says, 'yes, but not now. I have something better for you'." and I'm so scared but I give up. I'm ready to give myself back to God because I will be a better person, a person at peace. insya'allah

irdina suleiman