troubled souls & circus acts

wow okay a lots been happening you could say

my emotions are literally everywhere 

and like lol because which other loser can't keep their emotions in check :// 

haha but anyway 

have you ever felt haunted by so many different things and you can't ever say it out loud because there is no way in hell you're gonna find the right words to say???

and it sucks that you kinda bottle everything up inside
because who would listen anyway?
i'm scared of feeling
i'm scared of letting what i feel consume me
which happens
more often than not
and there's so many possibilities
and so many things i expect mounting off of this
and more importantly
so much people ask of me
so many expectations
and iT FRIGHTENS ME OKAY
i'm sorry that i'm terribly human
and terribly lost
and utterly confused
and t r o u b l e d
next year is gonna be very busy
things (drastically) changing, possibilities, new fears
something might happen next year
but i can't tell you if its for the better
or for the worst
and then there's school stuff
and softball and studies
and O's
and then balancing everything
what am i?
a circus clown balancing on a tricycle on a tightrope?
circus clown
a freak, miles ahead of who i am
and who i will ever be
because really
WHAT AM I WORTH?
WHAT'S WORTH FIGHTING FOR ANYMORE?
WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIVING WHEN I'M MERELY EXISTING?
what is it to hope?
what is it to love?
what is it to feel?
pain is no longer a feeling, it's my friend
it's my company when the shadows come to play
it's the thing that spills from my eyes
in the dark of the night
and the wee hours of the morning?

is this all i'll ever be?
a troubled, lost, carnival act
seeking normalcy
like it's treasure rooted beneath us all

what is love?

- Dina x