S-U-I-C-I-D-E. does that spell happiness?

i drafted this a really long time ago.
but i didn't want to post it.
anyway its about time i did.

WARNING: don't read this if you are suffering from any form of depression. this might depress you further, and i don't want to be responsible for that, alright?

i can't help it.
sometimes i just feel like shit
and nothing i seem to do is EVER good enough for anyone.
i'm never studying hard enough.
i'm never playing hard enough.
i'm never trying hard enough.
i'm never putting in enough effort.
i'm never committed enough.
i'm never enough.

people always expect something from me.
and i'm tired of getting blamed whenever something goes wrong.
the light aren't on, and it's my fault.
the windows aren't open, and it's my fault.
she's not wearing her socks, and it's my fault.
i could go on and on about this.
but that's gonna take forever.
and i don't have that kinda time.

sometimes i just feel like throwing myself off a building.
or taking a kitchen knife and stabbing myself.
or just jump in front of an oncoming bus or something.
sometimes when i feel like everything is just way too much
i do STUPID THINGS which i regret sooner or later.

i don't want to be that same girl i was.
once upon a time, when i was under pressure
i did everything i could to turn that 
mental and emotional stress/pain into a more 
'manageable' pain.
which means physical pain.
i learnt how stupid that was.
and honestly, self-mutilation don't solve your problems.
it just makes it seem harder to deal with.

but i seriously can't help it sometimes.
and death just seems like the only way out.
so.
S-U-I-C-I-D-E.
did i spell happiness right?

- Dina x